IT'S STILL LIFE

Well, my inspiration to write about my long holiday weekend has melted away with another weekend gone. I can sum up the Easter weekend by saying that on Saturday, Ben and I went up to Swiss Cottage to Sally & Sarah's to watch the England footie match with them, Si & Bev, Erica and Tom. I can't remember if anyone else was there... I don't think so. It was a nice time, I drank too much wine, Sally & Sarah always have such nice things at their get-togethers. After that, we went home and had a takeaway curry from The Bombay Bicycle Club and it was really nice. I was chasing pigeons on the platform waiting for the tube, I think it was probably my most memorable time of the day. Sunday, we went to see the Boat Race between Cambridge and Oxford's rowing teams. Oxford won. We watched the race from Sarah's boyfriend Mark's parents' flat in the Putney Tower flats, which are really really nice and on the river. Then, we went home and had Easter eggs and watched telly. Monday... I don't even remember what we did!

This past weekend, Ben played footie in Regent's Park with Ken and some other guys. I went shopping for clothes to wear to the gym and some other stuff. Then I met up with them at a pub and we had some food and watched the Manchester City game, cos one of the guys was a fan. Ken, Ben and I had a drink called "Dr. Pepper" which was Amaretto, Coke and lager. It really did taste sort of like Dr. Pepper. Ben and I then went home to our disaster area of a flat and watched Dr. Who and Saturday Night Live. Sunday, Ben had to go back to work after his 2 week holiday. Earlier in the week he had shaved his beard just on his chin so that he had chops and a moustache, it was very silly. He shaved it all off on Friday. I didn't do a whole lot on Sunday, just the washing up, and some shopping on the Putney High Street. I messed around on the computer a bit. It was good.

TAKIN' IT TO THE STARS - EMOTION LOTION!

I am having a very topsy-turvy emotional time lately. I'm feeling depressed and missing my family a lot and friends back in L.A. It was very nice to speak to my family on Easter, I like talking to them on the phone. It makes me feel a lot less homesick.

We had a really nice long weekend here in London. Friday was good, as Good Friday should be! Ben and I slept in a bit and then got up and headed out to the Knightsbridge / South Kensington area. I went to Havey Nichols to the MAC makeup counter and got the loose powder I was out of. Then, we went to Harrod's. I have never been there before, and it really was cool - packed with people- but cool nonetheless. The colourful array of Easter candy left me in awe, I felt like I had walked into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory! We had Krispy Kreme doughnuts and they were really nice!

Next, we headed to the Science Museum. We got tickets to see the film 'Robots' on the big IMax screen, which we would be doing with Ken a couple of hours after. We then looked around the museum, and it was really good. They have the actual capsule from the Apollo 10 space flight there. In the gift shop, we bought a little kite and decided to head to the park to try to fly it.

On the way to the park, Ben got me an ice cream cone. It was very yummy. Then a bird pooped on my hand, narrowly missing the ice cream. Ben laughed and laughed. We didn't have much luck getting the kite in the air, there wasn't enough of a breeze. It's a pretty handy little kite for only 3 pounds! We hung around the park for a bit until it was getting closer to 4, the time we said we'd meet Ken at South Kensington tube station.

At the station, we took silly photos of ourselves wearing our sunglasses in the sun with our mobile phone cameras. We met Ken and then went to a chippy and got a chicken and mushroom pie and chips and then sat in a square near the Victoria & Albert Museum and ate and watched some kids climb all over a statue. Then it wastime to go back to the Science Museum to see 'Robots'. Across the street from the museum there was a herd of Chavs (bling-bling tacky style people) by a red telephone box, so Ken took a photo as the perfect image of London and then we hurried into the museum before they could come beat him up.

The film was really fun and looked really cool on that giant screen. I enjoyed it a lot! After the film, we headed for a pub. I was getting hungry, but Ben and Ken seemed unsure about what they wanted to do. On the way to the pub, we passed the Kentronic shop and Ken stood on a railing and took a photo of himself in front of the sign. Ben took a photo of me watching Ken take a photo of himself.

In the pub over some beers we decided that we should go play pool. Ken called Marianna to see if she would look on the internet to find out where the nearest Riley's games hall was since Ben and I have membership cards. She figured it out for us and then we ventured over there. I believe it was in Shepherd's Bush.

We played pool for an hour and it was fun! I was a little bit irritated because I was still hungry but Ben thought I should order food at the pool hall, but I know that sometimes they take a really long time and if we were only going to stay an hour then I didn't want to bother.

After pool, I think we parted ways with Ken and headed home. I don't remember what we ended up eating for dinner! So that was my Good Friday, it was really fun. I'll write more about the rest of my holiday weekend soon if I get the time.

THE BEARD STAYS - YOU GO!

Ben has been on holiday this week and he has decided not to shave. He'll be on holiday next week, too. I wonder if I can convince Grizzly Adams to shave once his holiday is over ... maybe his beard will get too tight.

This weekend just exemplifies why I love living in Britain. Tomorrow is Good Friday, so in the U.S., I would have had to go to work. Might be let out at 3pm as a bit of a break for the holiday, but then right back to work on Monday morning. Not here in Britain. Good Friday and Easter Monday are public "bank" holidays which means everyone gets a 4 day weekend. It totally rocks!

I've realised how lame it is that Ben and I didn't go back to California for Easter. Considering he's on his holiday during the time and I could have got some time off, too. But we just saw the fam in late November, and also, if we went now it might make it impossible to go for Christmas, and I really want to be there for Christmas. I am feeling very homesick lately, though. I think because the weather has improved over the last week, and it reminds me of home. We've actually had some lovely sunshine. Also, I've been feeling really depressed lately cos Ben was working nights so I hardly saw him, I had a cold, and my job has been pretty sucky. It's enough to make anyone depressed. I'm looking for a new one now, but not desperately. Any design job in my area that seems good, preferably at a design firm.

Since I last posted, Ben and I went to see The Tears, Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler of Suede's new band. You know what, seeing them was fun, we stood in the front and got sweaty and squashed. They sounded pretty good, too. But there were the same old themes in the lyrics; Brett even made fun of himself saying so. He even did the same old stage moves. It was a bit sad. I stood there thinking "you're old - I'M old!!!" Ben got some photos on his phone and they looked like a million other live Suede photos I've taken, except they were older. I'll probably buy their single, but as far as hanging around after the show to talk to them went, I had no desire to. I actually don't really care if I never speak to them again now, so I guess seeing that performance was as much closure as I needed.

We also went to Manchester and saw Manchester United v. A.C. Milan at Old Trafford. Milan beat us by 1, and then in the second leg ofthe tie, beat us again by 1, so United are out of the Champion's League this season. It was a fun trip, though.

I recently saw the films "The Life Aquatic" and "SIdeways" and both are very good. I was glad to go to the cinema. The next films I'll probably see will be "Robots" and "Miss Congeniality 2."

My friend and Maid of Honour at my wedding, Andrea, will be coming to visit me and Ben soon. Probably at the end of June. It will be really great to do some sight-seeing with her; she's never been to London before. We're also planning to go to Paris for the weekend, so that should be really good fun. Hopefully my brother Tony and sister-in-law Tiffany will visit in July. it would be great to show them around London, too.

NICE MONKEY EARS.

I feel tired today. Ow-woah-woah Rachie's tired. I'm going to the gym tonight at 7, so I'd better snap out of it. the backwards thing is that I will probably feel much more energetic once I go. Ben asked me to do him a favour and go check out the gym a couple of weekends ago. The Putney Leisure Centre is directly across the street from our flat. It would be a crime for me not to go, right? Around that time when I was asked to do the favour, Ben was talking about joining the Gym they have at Baker Street Station where he works. The membership per year costs as much as most gyms cost per month, maybe less. So, after I joined the gym, I asked Ben if he was still going to join the Gym at work and he said no. NO! Can you believe it? No?

I was looking at my friend Julie's weblog site, which I do fairly often. She is awesome. I love her site. It is Lackofstyle.com. I wish I could do something like that.

In a week, Ben, Clare and I are going to see The Tears concert. They're the band consisting of Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler, formerly of Suede, plus two other guys. I am dying to speak to Brett again. I haven't spoken to him since Suede flew out of the San Francisco airport in June 1997. That was the only time I've ever seen my friend Annie cry. I want to speak to Brett to see what he's like now, since he is supposedly off the drugs now. I wonder if he remembers me. I've been dreaming about talking to him lately. I just *hope* there is an opportunity for me to speak to him. The thought also occured to me that Mat, SImon and Richard of Suede could possibly be at the concert, too. Maybe I'll run into them, too. I know it might sound pathetic, but I love those guys. So much of my energy was devoted to them in my early twenties. I don't think it's something a person can just snap out of no matter how burned out on the music they get.

In two weeks, Ben and I are going to Old Trafford to see Manchester United v. A.C. Milan and he is dead excited! I'm glad that he is, I'm sure we'll have a great time!

HOWZAT?!?!

I have crushes on some of England's cricket team members. My favourites are Andrew Flintoff and Steven Harmison and also Matthew Hoggard. They're much cuter than the baseball players in the States, for the most part. England beat South Africa in the test series they were playing in S.A... I listened to the end of it as I was having my root canal finished at the Dentist's office.

When I first got into the room with Dr. McCaw, I told him that I was concerned about the amount of money it was costing. Now, those of you who know me know that when I think I sound calm in my head, I sound upset to whom I'm speaking to. That wasn't the case here, I assure you, cos I wasn't upset at all. But Dr. McCaw got all pissy and defensive when I told him that I had called a dentist's office near my work and they quoted me prices that were significantly less, and that I would save £250 there. He said "well then forget it, why don't you just go there now!" (Scottish temper flaring up!) and I said that, no, I'd like to have him finish it because he'd already started it, but that I wanted to explain myself and give him a reason today of why I probably wouldn't be going back in the future. So, he got started on my tooth. I was real nervous cos I thought he probably wouldn't care about hurting me, etc if he thought I was not coming back anyway. But he did a fine job, and at the end when I went to pay, he had charged me £200 less than I was expecting! Awww! But I still think I'll be signing up with the dentist by my work since it would be more conveniant and the prices are better. Dentistry is so much different here than in the U.S.

SHUT THE GOD DAMNED COTTON PICKING DOOR

Lately I have found myself looking at Pippi Longstocking movies for sale on Ebay. I don't mean the new one or the cartoon one, I mean the 1970's era English dubbed films starring Inger Nilssen that were shown by Tom Hatton on successive weekend on the Family Film Festival. I am not sure why I have become so obsessed with the idea of owning these films... I want to see a horse in the house, or see a car fly or something... I just remember loving the movies so much and really looking forward to the time of year when they would undoubtedly be shown on TV. I miss having that to look forward to.

THAT IS ONE CAR WASH THOSE FOLKS WILL NEVER FORGET!

I keep thinking about different skits done by the comedy troupe, The State, who used to have a show on MTV. It is one of my most favourite TV shows ever and supposedly it will be released on DVD soon. I want that so bad! So many of the things I say on a daily basis come from that show and it stretches far beyond your usual "I wanna dip my balls in it" Louie quote. I hope the DVD is released soon. I really, really do.

So, January is over halfway over already. I can't believe how fast time is going by.

A couple of days ago I had the beginning part of a root canal on one of my back molars that had collapsed. I say beginning part because at the dentists here in London, they do things much more methodically than the "wham-bam thank you ma'am" style in the US. I appreciate that. What I don't appreciate is the Armenian leg this is costing me. 105 pounds for a temporary filling until next week?? All in all, it will end up being around 1000 pounds, which is around $1900 American dollars. Can you believe it? No wonder these people never go to the dentist! I'll be going back to see Dr. Geoffrey Macaw on Tuesday (Let Macaw ya back!).

VIVID AND IN YOUR PRIME.

The sun is shining through clouds, past the glass in the office window and into my eye as I type this. My ability to stay focused on any tasks at hand has been obliterated by my daydreams today. I'm thinking about what I want to do today, tonight, this year... Happy New Year! I've been married for two years now as of New Year's Eve, can you believe it? Last night while I was drifting off to sleep, I was getting flashes of things in my memory, trying to conjure up that physical sensation of fluttering in my chest, trying to feel excited by something again, as if to test out if I still could. It nearly worked, I could feel the reaction almost happening. I couldn't tell you what I was thinking about to try to evoke the feeling - it was just vague pictures, because to be honest, I don't know what excites me to the core anymore. I think that's the difference. I used to be so passionate about everything that I liked and over the last few years it seems that my adoration is just mediocre. There are very few things that really touch me. My adoration of Ben is the dominant passion I have, the love and longing for my family, and my fondness for animals - mainly cats and dogs. I just see their furry little faces and it puts a smile on my face (cats and dogs, not my family and Ben. Well, Ben's furry little face makes me smile, too!) Someday when Ben and I own property, we'll get some cats and dogs. For now I'll just have to envy yours.

I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions, per se. I've been thinking about habits I want to gain and projects I'd like to start and complete. I want to get into a better daily routine of maintaining my life. Stupid things to keep the flat tidy, washing up every night and washing clothes so they don't pile up. Taking more care with my own grooming. I used to really care how I look and now I just don't make very much effort. I have to take advantage of my youth! I just know that in ten years I'll be looking at photos of myself now and my perception will be so much more positive, I'll regret not dressing up more and painting my nails and little things like that. I want to get my and Ben's things in better order, a lot of our stuff still hasn't been unpacked since we moved to Putney in mid-October! I want to focus on reorganising. Another thing I want to do is start a Suede website with archives of the Suede fanzine I used to make. That's something I've been talking about doing for years. I have tons of material from my Suede following days that would be nice to make accessible to other fans. It's just sat here (or in my parents' garage) collecting dust. I think it would be very therapeutic for me to do this, and a good project to help develop my web design skills. Also, since Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler have formed a new band, The Tears, I could tie that into it as well, if they're any good/cooperative when I see them in February. Watch this space.

Overall, I am thinking about my mental wellbeing and how to be happy. I want to concentrate on boosting my self-esteem, which in turn will help me be more positive. My anxiety level has been high lately. I find myself thinking ludicrous things, for example, I'll be on my way home and I'll think the flat might be on fire. I'm not sure how to reduce the anxiety (I don't want to be medicated for it again), maybe I should cut down on caffeine. But I feel really tired in the morning. I was thinking something interesting the other day about that. I generally feel like I'm sluggish. It doesn't really matter how much sleep I get. But around 3 pm, I feel more energetic. I think maybe it's because I have such nocturnal tendencies and have always had since before I was born, according to my mom. That could possibly be why I find it more difficult to get motivated when I'm constantly feeling like I'm forcing myself awake and then forcing myself to sleep. I'm not 'NSync with the working society. Coping with that is just part of being an adult, I suppose.

CHARTRUESE TAFFETA AND MARTINIS.

I think since I have been off work for the past 4 days, my mind is feeling a bit more flexible and imaginitve. I can sort of feel impressions of things spring into my mind. If you say 1950's cocktail party, I'm thinking chartruese taffeta and martinis. I'm also swimming in a vision of being at my grandparents' old house in Northridge, California when I was very small (so we're talking 1977 or 1978) and I can almost see the glare of the white concrete walk bouncing up into my face, feel the warmth of the sun on my back and see the white daisies jutting out from the flowerbed in every direction. Sometimes I forget where I am these days. I think I assume that I'm in California. The more comfortable I get with living in London, the more the borders begin to blur and everything starts to feel like it originates in California. I think it's a larger scale version of my dreams. They usually end up being set at my primary school. Most of the time the dreams include a snippet of something that really happened there... a school play, a moment on the playground with sticker albums, running outside of the gates after my mom's car to try to get her to stop driving away... I just ended up in the Principal's office. Somehow I think that if I could remember enough from my Grandparents' yard in the 1970's that maybe I could conjure up a memory of playing with my mom in the 1950's. It reminds me of how selective the human memory is, because if I was just crazy enough I could convince myself that this impression I have of what it MIGHT be like in fact actually happened.

WE'D KILL TO LIVE AROUND SW6 WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

Ben and I got back from L.A. on Wednesday. Unfortunately I had to come back to work the next day, and now two days later I am still feeling fairly jet-lagged. The cool thing was that I didn't feel it going to L.A.! The trip was great. The flight wasn't too bad going there or coming back. Neither of us really enjoy it, but it wasn't awful. I watched 4 movies on the way to L.A. (Anchorman, Shrek 2, The Bourne Supremacy, Spiderman 2) so that passed the time fairly well. On the way back I slept most of the time, which was fortunate. I think it was due to the fact that I took an anti motion sickness tablet before we left and it made me a bit drowsy. When we were getting of the plane I almost fainted. I don't know why I am so sensitive these days, I am sure that I used to be tougher. Is it just the resilliance of youth?

It was great to see my family. We spent a lot of our time at my parents' house, and helped them put Christmas lights on their house and up in the trees. This year, they had the guy who trims their 60 foot palm tree string some red and clear lights up the tree and Ben and My dad wrapped them around like a giant candy cane. It looks very cool, the lights go up so high! It almost looks a bit phallic, especially because of the ridge at the top where the palm fronds start forming! Hee hee! The lights look great this year. I am really glad that we were there to help.

Thanksgiving was good, too. It was funny because we usually make our Christmas wish lists and bring them with us to Thanksgiving Dinner so that we can draw names for the family gift exchange. However, I think Amber was the only one who was prepared. We all made our lists there at my parents' house and drew the names. Ben and I managed to buy all the presents for our recipients online and we're having them sent to my parents' house, so that worked out really well for us. I did a lot of clothes shopping while we were there, which was really great. We ended up coming back with 2 extra suitcases. I had been reserving my purchases especially for this trip. I also brought back a few things that I had left at my sister, Amber's. Slowly but surely I'll get all my stuff moved!

It was so nice staying with Amber and Vicky. It was weird at first since we used to live there and things are sort of the same in the apartment, but sort of different, too! We slept in the living room and it was real comfy. Vicky's kitty, Jesse, was very cute and friendly and hung out with us a lot. It made me really want to get a cat, but we can't have pets where we live. It was our first time meeting Jesse, and Rhonda seems a lot calmer now that there is another cat in the house. She is still a fuzzy cootie.

Driving was odd! I haven't driven since April, and at first it seemed awkward, but I got used to it again really quickly. The car we rented was an Oldsmobile Alero and it was pretty nice. It was nice to drive around again, but it also made me appreciate how much easier it is to get around in London, and it made me feel inspired to get out and see more things here.

It was funny going to see my grandma and grandpa. It's about a three hour drive from where my parents live. My parents and David (my younger brother) and Ursula (his wife) and my parents' dog, Eva, went in one car and Tony (my older brother) and Tiffany (his wife) and me and Ben went in Tony's new car which we hadn't seen before. When we got to my grandparents' house, my grandma was sick and she was losing her voice, which was very frustrating for her. Grandpa was in good spirits and he even put in his false teeth for the occasion! Grandma found out that she has to have both hip, both knee, and both ankle joints replaced, so she was pretty bummed out. It will be a 3 year process. But it's either that or be confined to a wheelchair, which would be a bummer, too. Uncle Bill, Cousin Megan and her boyfriend Joey were there, too, so it was a real "family reunion". Megan told everyone that she and Joey are engaged to be married, and I think Uncle Bill was a bit shocked (she hadn't even told her dad yet!) Everyone seemed to be happy about the news, though.

Overall, it was great to see people I hadn't seen for a while, like my family, Vicky, Chris & Annie, Andrea E, Carla, everyone at Sexy Hair (we visited the old workplace!), Julie (who I haven't seen in something like 10 years!) It is nice to be able to get away from everyday life and spend some special time with the people I miss.

I think the thing I wish I could have done while we were in L.A. was to spend more time with Amber and Vicky, but they had to work most of the time we were there. I feel like I haven't spent good quality time with Vicky in ages. It makes me sad. I think I'm going to have to try to make more of an effort to keep in touch with her. I've been way too lazy in that department. She's knittling lots of cool scarves for gifts and it was fun because the night before we left, Vicky and Ben and I went to Andrea E's house and had dinner, and Vicky was talking to Lupe and Andrea about knitting. I think they are going to go to some knitting circles together. That makes me wish I still lived there so I could go, too. I'm sure I can find some crafty groups in London, too, though!

I was afraid that I'd miss L.A. a lot more after this trip and want to move back, but I don't really feel that way. I feel sort of like I still have a period of adjustment to get through, because I don't really feel like I belong in L.A. or London. It's nice to be home. It's nice to visit home, and it's nice to be home, too. I guess home is really an abstract concept.

LONDON BYE, TA TA!

It has been a very long while since I've been here. Seven months ago I moved to London and had a flat in Cricklewood (NW London.) A month ago, Ben and I moved into a new flat in Putney (SW London.) It's a great flat! And Putney is just lovely! I think I'm going to like it here. In four days we will be going to Los Angeles to spend Thanksgiving with my family. It will be nice to go back and see everyone. I think I'll even be stepping foot in Sexy Hair Concepts. I even miss them. I can feel free to visit because my old boss who made my life so miserable there has since left the company.

I have had some time to reflect on life and experience some different things over the last few months. My most major revelation, which I think isn't breaking news, is that I am never happy. "I was looking for a job and then I found a job, and heaven knows I'm miserable now..." Oh Morrissey knows what it's like to be me! It was awful to be unemployed for three months. I applied for over 100 jobs and got number 88. Now I am the Design Manager at a company in Wimbledon Park (SW London) called Feme Limited. I was really excited to have the job for about a month and then reality set in. There is very little structure or conveyance of a plan to drive the company forward and miscommunication runs rampant. The combination of no guidelines and micro-management by the heads of the company ensure that very little gets accomplished without initialising plans in the dark and then having to rework and reexamine about 20 million times. From an artistic point of view, the image of the company is very bland. The good thing is that the design department's main task is to publish a quarterly magazine called Spell and it is very fun to work on. And hey, it's a job that pays well. I can't imagine that I would find another job that would make me completely happy. My plan is to give it a year and then if I'm still not happy then I'll look for a new job.

I'll tell you why I am never happy. Because I have a negative outlook on life. I've tried to modify the way I see things but I am a pessimist at heart. It seems I can only really enjoy things when I look back on it. I can't name one thing that would make me feel happy right now. That's an awful revelation. Even going on vacation to see my family isn't making me feel happy. I know I'll be happy when I am there, but thinking about it now just fills me with dread because I don't want to fly.

The flight over here was difficult. I got sick on the way. That's because I'm a wuss. I'm getting extra sensitive and paranoid. I can't stand to think about my blood running through my veins, it makes me nauseous. During the flight here I was convinced that I would get a blood clot from sitting too long and it made me throw up. I went on a basic one-day first aid course last month and I didn't get my certificate because they started talking about cuts and bleeding and I threw up and fainted. Not in front of anybody, I left the room and went to the bathroom, but it was still embarrassing. They sent me home.

It would be nice if I was a confident, secure, flexible, kind and generous person. But I'm not. I'm insecure, paranoid, tense, demanding, critical and a perfectionist. Since I can't live up to my own standards, I have also become very lazy. What can you do when you've lost all confidence? I don't want to let these things take over, I want to regain some sense of worth. But when I view the world as being crap, how can I find worth in myself in that sort of setting? I need some sort of guidelines or a method, an affirmation or a list of things to train myself to see on a daily basis that is positive. Maybe I should get some sort of self-help book (not Dianetics!). That, my friends, is at the core of what is wrong in my life. I'm sure if these things changed I'd be fitter, happier and more productive...

A TOILET FACTORY IN ITALY.

Just 12 more work days to go. Then I will never have to step foot in this place again. I think that idea is the only thing that kept me from losing my temper today. These people I work with are just so careless and sloppy. I am so sick of having to do and re-do the same project just because they don't THINK or even use spell-check. Heaven help the new graphic designer that is about to start.

So, I was updating my portfolio last night and I felt like it was sub-par. Not surprising, coming from a girl with a bad attitude. I remember before I got this job, I had the same feeling, like I was on the brink of being able to demonstrate what I can do, but just not quite able to produce the examples. It's funny, too, because as I pulled those old examples out of my portfolio, they weren't as bad as I had remembered them being. I replaced them with newer things that I produced in the last 3 years working here and I felt that same frustration. I wish I had a moment of clarity, where I could see exactly what sort of printed piece or demonstrated process is missing. I used to have those all the time, before my very esscence was being drained on a daily basis.

Half of me is idealistic. I think about what I don't like about my job here and promise myself that I won't put up with that sort of thing ever again. I'll take a stand and fight to improve things that could be done differently. I won't let other people drag me down. Then the other half of me just feels apathetic. There's no use, every place will be the same... but I know that isn't true.

I'm excited thinking about the flat that Ben and I will rent in London in the very near future. I wonder where it will be and what our neighbourhood will be like. I am so thrilled that we will be able to take a bit of time to drive up north to see Ben's family, and that I will finally get to meet his dad (who has a birthday coming up very soon!) It will be surreal to be at a Manchester United match at Old Trafford. It will be a nice holiday.

Ben has put up my design website that we made together at www.rachelappsdesign.com. I think it looks pretty great!

I hate packing stuff to move. I think it's one of the worst tasks EVER.

DRESSED AS A WOMAN WITH HORRIBLE HAIR...

It's been a long time since I wrote anything. Supermarket employees are still striking. I got to my goal weight for Thanksgiving. I have kicked my Ebay habit. Autumn came and went. The family didn't end up singing Christmas carols together, but we had a great holiday nonetheless. I am still obsessed with Belle & Sebastian's 'Dear Catastrophe Waitress.' My job was ok for a while and went horribly bad again. I have spent the past week retouching a photo ridiculously. I don't understand why this company is so inept at taking appropriate hair photos, when what we sell is hair product. Only 45 more work days left....

Ben and I are moving to London on April 14th. I just got my Entry Clearance Visa that allows me to enter and leave the UK freely and to work there. So, instead of having a holiday we turned it into a move. Amber decided that she is going to stay at home and not take the holiday like she'd planned to with us. I am going to miss her probably more than I realise now.

Amber said she'll buy my car, so we are practising driving every day and she takes her driving test again on March 3rd. I hope she doesn't panic again like she has in the past. She is a good driver.

I am trying to get everything together for my online portfolio and Ben and I are going to make my website. I have to fine tune my CV, too. I figure I can actively start looking for a design job in March. I subscribed to an online service that lists design jobs in the UK. I think that will be a great resource for contacts. Ben is seeking information on working for the London Underground. I can picture him really doing well working for them. Plus, getting free travel for himself and his family is a great bonus!

My boss is a total wanker. He has a business outside of the company we work for, and for the past few months he has openly been working on his own business during work hours and doing very little company work. My co-designer and I have been left stranded without any creative direction and have been left to make important decisions on our own. Then, our boss takes credit for our work. He also was lying to his boss and expecting us to lie for him as well. So, I went to his boss and told her everything that was happening. Ultimately, the consequences for him have not been very drastic. But when I leave here, I know that my co-designer is going to have a lot more power and control in the department and it will be a much better palce to work. I know that the day that I get away from my boss will be one of the best days of my life. He is one of the most draining and disgusting people I have ever been forced to spend time with.

So, things are looking up for me. Now we are just trying to get things organised and ready for the move. It is all very exciting. I am also very nervous about leaving my family and friends behind. I will miss them so much.

STICK TO WHAT YOU KNOW

24 weeks from tomorrow I will be on a plane set towards England with Ben and Amber. I am terribly excited by the prospect of it. I only wish that there was more going on for me now. Actually, one should be careful what they wish for, they just might get it! I guess I am feeling fairly satisfied at the moment.

The weather is slightly cooler today than it has been. It feels like it could possibly be autumn instead of mid-summer. It's a good thing, too. There are still massive fires burning in the vicinity sort of near where I live. Ben said that all we need now on top of the supermarket strike, bus strike and fires is an earthquake. At around 3:45 this afternoon we had a 3.7 on the Richter scale. Ben always gets what he wants!

I've sort of been looking for a new job. I updated my resume and portfolio, and I've been looking at listings and submitted my resume to a few places. Things have calmed down here at my present job. We recently did a photo shoot for a new line of products that went really well. The company even used me and the other graphic artist as models; it was really fun. I was dressed as a schoolgirl in some of the shots. Also, we are working on a new design campaign for 2004 that is really kind of fun. So I can't complain too much. But I have come to the realisation that I live so close to the community college that I'd be a fool to not take a class fairly soon. I've decided to learn web design properly. There are so many job listings for web/graphic designers. Especially in London. I hope that Ben will go to school with me, too.

My birthday kicked major booty this year. It was so much fun and every present I received was wonderful and had a very nice dinner at The Great Greek restaurant in Sherman Oaks with family and friends. Marianna and I went shopping all day and it was so liberating to not have a bored money-conscious companion to shop with. Marianna's visit here was so good, and went by way too fast. It's nice to know that I will have such a nice ready-made companion when Ben and I relocate to London (and a shopping pal when we visit in 24 weeks!)

In the pursuit of OTR, I had lost all the weight that I wanted to lose by Thanksgiving by the time it was my birthday (nearly), then gained back a few pounds, then lost all of the weight and an extra pound, but gained back a couple this past weekend. Today, I am 2 pounds away from my Thanksgiving goal weight, and I have 4 weeks from tomorrow to lose it. Sounds easy, until I consider how much weight I will put on this weekend in honour of Halloween - one of my most favourite holidays! I am fantasising about the candy I'll be eating already. I am dressing up as Zorro, a costume that a chocolate moustache goes well with.

A couple of weekends ago, I went to see my most favourite movie in the whole world at the ElCapitan Theatre in Hollywood. It was 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'. I had seen it there 10 years ago when the movie was first out, and it was just as amazing as I had remembered. It was so nice to see it on the big screen with Ben and Amber and Andrea and her nephew Pete who is 4. I love the movie so much that our kitchen/dining area is decorated in that theme year-round.

I have been addicted to Ebay lately. Ben said that he won't buy any Lego for himself if I don't buy anything else for myself for the rest of the year. I really haven't been as bad as I could have. I only bought 2 frivilous things: 2 Flapper Barbies that I have wanted for years. Everything else I bought were useful things that I would have paid full price for anyway, and it ended up being much cheaper even with shipping. It's hard to make stingy people understand this. Oh, sorry, frugal people. I think I may want to sell a few items on Ebay, now that I have had such a great experience buying things. There is a lot to get rid of before we move.

I also bought a new area rug for our lounge room. It was cheap, and my old rug was falling apart, looked gross and I had it for 6 years. Why do I sound like I have to justify my actions, you ask? It's called being married! :-)

In music news, I am really sad that Elliot Smith killed himself. He was so talented and only 34. I am also still obsessed with Belle & Sebastian's new album 'Dear Catastrophe Waitress'... and a plan is still in the works to get together some rehearsals to sing christmas carols with my family. It's pretty much up to Tony, David and Ben to get it going, they're the musical ones. It will be very fun if they do.

GET ME AWAY FROM HERE, I'M DYING.

I still hate my job. I think that I should stay until after my trip to England next April. I was ok with that idea for a while. Now I'm not feeling very ok about it. Ben is miserable in his position here, too. I think he will be looking for a new job very soon. I think that is a very good idea. I didn't want to give up the bonus I might possibly get at the end of the year, or my vacation time. I need to really weigh this out and see what the best thing to do is. Just because I decide I want another job doesn't mean that one will be waiting on my doorstep as soon as the thought clicks. I really need to get my portfolio and resume together so that I can see what is out there. Then, if I find something great, that will be the time to leave. Life is too unpredictable to try to schedule it all out to fit around the trip to England. It's going to happen whether I get paid vacation or not. The benefit of being out of this hell hole will be bonus enough. I just want to go somewhere where I will be stimulated and I can make progress.

Ben and I are going to our first baseball game tomorrow. Neither of us have ever been. it should be a lot of fun. We're going with my friend from high school, Sandra, and her boyfriend Rich.

I've planned a nice birthday dinner party for my closest friends and family to come and celebrate my 29th birthday with me. We're having it at a greek restaurant on my actual birthday, September 30th. (Generous people with too much money - if you are reading this and feel like getting me a present, I have a gift list: http://www.findgift.com/cgi-local/Registry.cgi?m=View&rid=85161021299575748353737) I am really looking forward to it. I am also taking that day off from work, and Marianna will be here from England/Australia/Hawaii, staying with us, so I can go do fun stuff with her! I am very excited about that.

In pursuit of OTR, I got on the scale about a week ago, and was irritated to find that I was only 8 pounds lighter than I was at the beginning of the year. So I got tough. I have been counting calories and keeping a written journal of everything I eat. I am trying to keep my calories at 1200 a day on days when I don't exercise (which is most days), and 1400 on days that I do. In one week I have lost almost 4 pounds. It might just be water weight, but that's ok with me. I think counting calories until Thanksgiving is going to be my goal. I have to lose about 7 more pounds by then. If I don't, I will be sad. That will mean that I will either not be able to enjoy food through the holidays or I will do it anyway and end up being the same weight I was at the beginning of this year, making the entire year of dieting pointless. I am trying to teach myself good judgement and good habits in the next eleven weeks. I have realised that I have no concept of the portions of food I eat, so measuring has to happen. I am hoping that soon I will just be able to tell without measuring, so that when I do get down to my ideal weight, maintaining it will be a cinch. I am going to be in good shape when I go to England in April, I just have to.

YAWN! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!

Things are kooky. I'm tired. Physically and mentally. I want to go home and I still have 20 minutes left at work.

In the past 2 weeks, I have been reunited with my friend Sandra from high school, my cousin Ginette, and my friends Kyle and Brandon. Kyle is the one who introduced me to the music of Belle & Sebastian. Belle & Sebastian is how I met Ben. Pretty much everything that is good in my life can be traced back to Kyle. It's been years since I've spoken to him. i am very excited about this! I found all of these people on Friendster.com. It's very addictive, Friendster is. More addictive than Blogs, I think.

In the last month, I have decided that it's time to find a new job. I am really hating this one. There is no way I am going to have any opportunity to grow here. Things are run so unprofessionally. I've been clinically depressed the whole 2 years I've worked here. I think it's time to move on. I don't want to be "stuck" here just because I'm planning to move to London in just under 3 years. That's enough time to get some good experience working somewhere else before I go.

In the last 3 weeks, I stopped going to psychotherapy. My insurance alotted sessions ran out for the time being. Plus, I've been feeling better. I've been trying to raise my self-esteem. It's difficult. Also, I don't know if Ben and I would ever see eye-to-eye on the therapy thing. I guess depression and therapy isn't really talked about in England. I'll probably still go occasionally, though.

In OTR news, I am still 10 pounds lighter than I was at the beginning of the year. I have not been being very strict with myself. I need to be better about that.

Last weekend, Ben showed Me and my brother Tony and his wife Tiffany and our friend Vicky how to play cricket. It was fun and really good exercise.

I saw Manchester United play in the flesh for the first time on July 27 here in LA. They beat a mexican team called Club America, it was fantastic.

Five minutes to go and I'm outta here!

YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE, BABY!

Well, Amber's fish is dead and my blonde roots are showing. Amber got 3 new fish last weekend and they are really pretty yellow ones. As for my blonde roots, I wonder when I will get my hair done. Douglas cut it into a cute bob that is now slightly growing out.

The weather outside is gloomy. It was drizzling on the way to work from my therapist's office. I was listening to Suede B-sides on my new cd player car stereo. Whoo hoo! Therapy is good. I've gone for a few weeks now.

I had an ad in People Magazine the week of May 18th for Healthy Sexy Hair. It's the issue with Matt LeBlanc's wedding on the cover. It came out so nice. I'm glad, too, cos the ad cost the company around 50 grand to buy, which I hear is a bargain. I pretty much gave the girl all new hair and it looks nice! The slew of freelancing work I did for the company on my off hours has paid off. I am getting enough money for it to pay off my Mac G4.

This Saturday is the first game of the LA Galaxy at their new stadium. Ben and Adrian and I are going. It's going to be very fun!

So it's now June and I was supposed to have reached my goal weight in the pursuit of OTR by now. I have managed to put on 2 pounds, but that is because of too many birthdays. Also, I am letting too much sugar and cheese slip back into my life. I have to give them the keys to the street and do it tonight.

SYMBIOSIS-RIGHT THERE.

I got my hair dyed yesterday, dark brown. It's pretty, I like it. This is the first time I've had a natural haircolor in a year.

Last week, Ben and I financed a Mac G4 computer. It's great! Coincidentally, the art department at work got shut down due to a water heater busting and flooding a good portion of the room, so I worked at home from Wednesday through the week. Fortunately, our work load was light at the time. Unfortunately, I got the flu on Thursday evening which had me up all night. I spent most of Friday sleeping.

Tonight, Ben and Amber and I are going to the pet store so Amber can get a fish. I wonder what kind she'll get...

Friday, we're going to Mom and Dad's house for dinner in celebration of Tiffany's birthday. Ben and I are debating whether or not to go to San Diego this weekend so we can meet up with Tony and Tiffany at the Wild Animal Park on Sunday. We were thinking about going to Legoland on Saturday and staying the night in a hotel. But I'm not so sure we should spend all that money right now. We'll see.

Ben ended up not having to spend the night downtown at the INS office to file his adjustment of status paperwork. It turned out that he had to mail it to that particular office. And when he did, it also turned out that the fees they had listed on the internet were incorrect. So the paperwork got returned AGAIN. It's been a couple of weeks now and nothing was returned, so it must be ok. Finally!

In the pursuit of OTR (Old Thin Rachie), I lost 3 pounds when I had the flu. I also did yoga this morning and I hope to keep doing it through the rest of the week. I have about 21 pounds more to go in the next 7 weeks. That's just 3 pounds a week! Whoo hoo! I hope I can do it. I have to be good and overcome this plateau without resorting to starvation.

YOU'RE TERRIBLE, MURIEL.

I watched the movie Muriel's Wedding yesterday for the first time. I wanted to see it when it came out in the theaters a few years ago. Mainly because I like ABBA. Also because It's one of those crazy New Zealand or Australian movies like Strictly Ballroom, or Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert. It was a good film.

I played soccer at the park with Ben yesterday. He said I'm getting better. My legs are sore today. I have the Sunday blues, like usual. I am feeling a bit down for no reason. Ben and I are going to go see Death Cab For Cutie tonight at the Troubadour. I know it's going to be fun. Right now, I feel unmotivated to do anything. I am also feeling a bit down cos after the concert, I am going to drop Ben off downtown at the INS office to line up all night. It's such a pain in the ass. He lined up there a while back to put in paperwork but they told him after waiting since 4 am that he couldn't file the paperwork there and that it had to be mailed in. So he mailed it in and it was returned to him cos it has to be filed at the office downtown. The person who served Ben there didn't know what they were talking about. It's annoying.

I changed my driver's license to say "Rachel Erin Apps" on Friday, and Ben passed his written driving exam. Now he has a permit to practice driving. He drove my car around yesterday in the industrial area where Sexy Hair Concepts' warehouse is, and he did very well.

Now Ben is building a huge robot out of Lego. And I am typing this. But I think I need to get out and do something.

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BENNY!

Today Ben is 25. I remember when I turned 25. I said that my theme song for the year would be "All The Young Dudes" for the lyrics "It's hard to stay alive when you're 25." It turned out I had no problem staying alive. Which brings me to John Travolta. He just had his birthday a week ago, the same day as my brother David. Last night Pulp Fiction was on. Ben tried to make me watch the part when Mia overdoses and they have to stick a needle in her heart. No thank you. I almost fainted in the theater when I saw it back in '94 and I had to walk out. Ben wants me to face my fear of needles, but I said there's plenty of time for that when we have a baby. It's not worth it to me just for a movie.

Tonight we're going to go to the movies for Ben's birthday. We're going to see Old School. It looks like a funny movie. Will Ferrell cracks me up.

I just got a phone call from someone upstairs here at work. Cyndi wanted to know why Ben has so much candy on his desk today. So I let her in on his birthday secret (apparently?) cos he didn't mention to her that it was the occasion!