CHARTRUESE TAFFETA AND MARTINIS.
I think since I have been off work for the past 4 days, my mind is feeling a bit more flexible and imaginitve. I can sort of feel impressions of things spring into my mind. If you say 1950's cocktail party, I'm thinking chartruese taffeta and martinis. I'm also swimming in a vision of being at my grandparents' old house in Northridge, California when I was very small (so we're talking 1977 or 1978) and I can almost see the glare of the white concrete walk bouncing up into my face, feel the warmth of the sun on my back and see the white daisies jutting out from the flowerbed in every direction. Sometimes I forget where I am these days. I think I assume that I'm in California. The more comfortable I get with living in London, the more the borders begin to blur and everything starts to feel like it originates in California. I think it's a larger scale version of my dreams. They usually end up being set at my primary school. Most of the time the dreams include a snippet of something that really happened there... a school play, a moment on the playground with sticker albums, running outside of the gates after my mom's car to try to get her to stop driving away... I just ended up in the Principal's office. Somehow I think that if I could remember enough from my Grandparents' yard in the 1970's that maybe I could conjure up a memory of playing with my mom in the 1950's. It reminds me of how selective the human memory is, because if I was just crazy enough I could convince myself that this impression I have of what it MIGHT be like in fact actually happened.
I'm Rachel. I am a native Californian relocated to the greater London area of the UK where I live with my adorable English husband and our two young sons.
Friday, December 03, 2004
WE'D KILL TO LIVE AROUND SW6 WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU.
Ben and I got back from L.A. on Wednesday. Unfortunately I had to come back to work the next day, and now two days later I am still feeling fairly jet-lagged. The cool thing was that I didn't feel it going to L.A.! The trip was great. The flight wasn't too bad going there or coming back. Neither of us really enjoy it, but it wasn't awful. I watched 4 movies on the way to L.A. (Anchorman, Shrek 2, The Bourne Supremacy, Spiderman 2) so that passed the time fairly well. On the way back I slept most of the time, which was fortunate. I think it was due to the fact that I took an anti motion sickness tablet before we left and it made me a bit drowsy. When we were getting of the plane I almost fainted. I don't know why I am so sensitive these days, I am sure that I used to be tougher. Is it just the resilliance of youth?
It was great to see my family. We spent a lot of our time at my parents' house, and helped them put Christmas lights on their house and up in the trees. This year, they had the guy who trims their 60 foot palm tree string some red and clear lights up the tree and Ben and My dad wrapped them around like a giant candy cane. It looks very cool, the lights go up so high! It almost looks a bit phallic, especially because of the ridge at the top where the palm fronds start forming! Hee hee! The lights look great this year. I am really glad that we were there to help.
Thanksgiving was good, too. It was funny because we usually make our Christmas wish lists and bring them with us to Thanksgiving Dinner so that we can draw names for the family gift exchange. However, I think Amber was the only one who was prepared. We all made our lists there at my parents' house and drew the names. Ben and I managed to buy all the presents for our recipients online and we're having them sent to my parents' house, so that worked out really well for us. I did a lot of clothes shopping while we were there, which was really great. We ended up coming back with 2 extra suitcases. I had been reserving my purchases especially for this trip. I also brought back a few things that I had left at my sister, Amber's. Slowly but surely I'll get all my stuff moved!
It was so nice staying with Amber and Vicky. It was weird at first since we used to live there and things are sort of the same in the apartment, but sort of different, too! We slept in the living room and it was real comfy. Vicky's kitty, Jesse, was very cute and friendly and hung out with us a lot. It made me really want to get a cat, but we can't have pets where we live. It was our first time meeting Jesse, and Rhonda seems a lot calmer now that there is another cat in the house. She is still a fuzzy cootie.
Driving was odd! I haven't driven since April, and at first it seemed awkward, but I got used to it again really quickly. The car we rented was an Oldsmobile Alero and it was pretty nice. It was nice to drive around again, but it also made me appreciate how much easier it is to get around in London, and it made me feel inspired to get out and see more things here.
It was funny going to see my grandma and grandpa. It's about a three hour drive from where my parents live. My parents and David (my younger brother) and Ursula (his wife) and my parents' dog, Eva, went in one car and Tony (my older brother) and Tiffany (his wife) and me and Ben went in Tony's new car which we hadn't seen before. When we got to my grandparents' house, my grandma was sick and she was losing her voice, which was very frustrating for her. Grandpa was in good spirits and he even put in his false teeth for the occasion! Grandma found out that she has to have both hip, both knee, and both ankle joints replaced, so she was pretty bummed out. It will be a 3 year process. But it's either that or be confined to a wheelchair, which would be a bummer, too. Uncle Bill, Cousin Megan and her boyfriend Joey were there, too, so it was a real "family reunion". Megan told everyone that she and Joey are engaged to be married, and I think Uncle Bill was a bit shocked (she hadn't even told her dad yet!) Everyone seemed to be happy about the news, though.
Overall, it was great to see people I hadn't seen for a while, like my family, Vicky, Chris & Annie, Andrea E, Carla, everyone at Sexy Hair (we visited the old workplace!), Julie (who I haven't seen in something like 10 years!) It is nice to be able to get away from everyday life and spend some special time with the people I miss.
I think the thing I wish I could have done while we were in L.A. was to spend more time with Amber and Vicky, but they had to work most of the time we were there. I feel like I haven't spent good quality time with Vicky in ages. It makes me sad. I think I'm going to have to try to make more of an effort to keep in touch with her. I've been way too lazy in that department. She's knittling lots of cool scarves for gifts and it was fun because the night before we left, Vicky and Ben and I went to Andrea E's house and had dinner, and Vicky was talking to Lupe and Andrea about knitting. I think they are going to go to some knitting circles together. That makes me wish I still lived there so I could go, too. I'm sure I can find some crafty groups in London, too, though!
I was afraid that I'd miss L.A. a lot more after this trip and want to move back, but I don't really feel that way. I feel sort of like I still have a period of adjustment to get through, because I don't really feel like I belong in L.A. or London. It's nice to be home. It's nice to visit home, and it's nice to be home, too. I guess home is really an abstract concept.
Ben and I got back from L.A. on Wednesday. Unfortunately I had to come back to work the next day, and now two days later I am still feeling fairly jet-lagged. The cool thing was that I didn't feel it going to L.A.! The trip was great. The flight wasn't too bad going there or coming back. Neither of us really enjoy it, but it wasn't awful. I watched 4 movies on the way to L.A. (Anchorman, Shrek 2, The Bourne Supremacy, Spiderman 2) so that passed the time fairly well. On the way back I slept most of the time, which was fortunate. I think it was due to the fact that I took an anti motion sickness tablet before we left and it made me a bit drowsy. When we were getting of the plane I almost fainted. I don't know why I am so sensitive these days, I am sure that I used to be tougher. Is it just the resilliance of youth?
It was great to see my family. We spent a lot of our time at my parents' house, and helped them put Christmas lights on their house and up in the trees. This year, they had the guy who trims their 60 foot palm tree string some red and clear lights up the tree and Ben and My dad wrapped them around like a giant candy cane. It looks very cool, the lights go up so high! It almost looks a bit phallic, especially because of the ridge at the top where the palm fronds start forming! Hee hee! The lights look great this year. I am really glad that we were there to help.
Thanksgiving was good, too. It was funny because we usually make our Christmas wish lists and bring them with us to Thanksgiving Dinner so that we can draw names for the family gift exchange. However, I think Amber was the only one who was prepared. We all made our lists there at my parents' house and drew the names. Ben and I managed to buy all the presents for our recipients online and we're having them sent to my parents' house, so that worked out really well for us. I did a lot of clothes shopping while we were there, which was really great. We ended up coming back with 2 extra suitcases. I had been reserving my purchases especially for this trip. I also brought back a few things that I had left at my sister, Amber's. Slowly but surely I'll get all my stuff moved!
It was so nice staying with Amber and Vicky. It was weird at first since we used to live there and things are sort of the same in the apartment, but sort of different, too! We slept in the living room and it was real comfy. Vicky's kitty, Jesse, was very cute and friendly and hung out with us a lot. It made me really want to get a cat, but we can't have pets where we live. It was our first time meeting Jesse, and Rhonda seems a lot calmer now that there is another cat in the house. She is still a fuzzy cootie.
Driving was odd! I haven't driven since April, and at first it seemed awkward, but I got used to it again really quickly. The car we rented was an Oldsmobile Alero and it was pretty nice. It was nice to drive around again, but it also made me appreciate how much easier it is to get around in London, and it made me feel inspired to get out and see more things here.
It was funny going to see my grandma and grandpa. It's about a three hour drive from where my parents live. My parents and David (my younger brother) and Ursula (his wife) and my parents' dog, Eva, went in one car and Tony (my older brother) and Tiffany (his wife) and me and Ben went in Tony's new car which we hadn't seen before. When we got to my grandparents' house, my grandma was sick and she was losing her voice, which was very frustrating for her. Grandpa was in good spirits and he even put in his false teeth for the occasion! Grandma found out that she has to have both hip, both knee, and both ankle joints replaced, so she was pretty bummed out. It will be a 3 year process. But it's either that or be confined to a wheelchair, which would be a bummer, too. Uncle Bill, Cousin Megan and her boyfriend Joey were there, too, so it was a real "family reunion". Megan told everyone that she and Joey are engaged to be married, and I think Uncle Bill was a bit shocked (she hadn't even told her dad yet!) Everyone seemed to be happy about the news, though.
Overall, it was great to see people I hadn't seen for a while, like my family, Vicky, Chris & Annie, Andrea E, Carla, everyone at Sexy Hair (we visited the old workplace!), Julie (who I haven't seen in something like 10 years!) It is nice to be able to get away from everyday life and spend some special time with the people I miss.
I think the thing I wish I could have done while we were in L.A. was to spend more time with Amber and Vicky, but they had to work most of the time we were there. I feel like I haven't spent good quality time with Vicky in ages. It makes me sad. I think I'm going to have to try to make more of an effort to keep in touch with her. I've been way too lazy in that department. She's knittling lots of cool scarves for gifts and it was fun because the night before we left, Vicky and Ben and I went to Andrea E's house and had dinner, and Vicky was talking to Lupe and Andrea about knitting. I think they are going to go to some knitting circles together. That makes me wish I still lived there so I could go, too. I'm sure I can find some crafty groups in London, too, though!
I was afraid that I'd miss L.A. a lot more after this trip and want to move back, but I don't really feel that way. I feel sort of like I still have a period of adjustment to get through, because I don't really feel like I belong in L.A. or London. It's nice to be home. It's nice to visit home, and it's nice to be home, too. I guess home is really an abstract concept.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
LONDON BYE, TA TA!
It has been a very long while since I've been here. Seven months ago I moved to London and had a flat in Cricklewood (NW London.) A month ago, Ben and I moved into a new flat in Putney (SW London.) It's a great flat! And Putney is just lovely! I think I'm going to like it here. In four days we will be going to Los Angeles to spend Thanksgiving with my family. It will be nice to go back and see everyone. I think I'll even be stepping foot in Sexy Hair Concepts. I even miss them. I can feel free to visit because my old boss who made my life so miserable there has since left the company.
I have had some time to reflect on life and experience some different things over the last few months. My most major revelation, which I think isn't breaking news, is that I am never happy. "I was looking for a job and then I found a job, and heaven knows I'm miserable now..." Oh Morrissey knows what it's like to be me! It was awful to be unemployed for three months. I applied for over 100 jobs and got number 88. Now I am the Design Manager at a company in Wimbledon Park (SW London) called Feme Limited. I was really excited to have the job for about a month and then reality set in. There is very little structure or conveyance of a plan to drive the company forward and miscommunication runs rampant. The combination of no guidelines and micro-management by the heads of the company ensure that very little gets accomplished without initialising plans in the dark and then having to rework and reexamine about 20 million times. From an artistic point of view, the image of the company is very bland. The good thing is that the design department's main task is to publish a quarterly magazine called Spell and it is very fun to work on. And hey, it's a job that pays well. I can't imagine that I would find another job that would make me completely happy. My plan is to give it a year and then if I'm still not happy then I'll look for a new job.
I'll tell you why I am never happy. Because I have a negative outlook on life. I've tried to modify the way I see things but I am a pessimist at heart. It seems I can only really enjoy things when I look back on it. I can't name one thing that would make me feel happy right now. That's an awful revelation. Even going on vacation to see my family isn't making me feel happy. I know I'll be happy when I am there, but thinking about it now just fills me with dread because I don't want to fly.
The flight over here was difficult. I got sick on the way. That's because I'm a wuss. I'm getting extra sensitive and paranoid. I can't stand to think about my blood running through my veins, it makes me nauseous. During the flight here I was convinced that I would get a blood clot from sitting too long and it made me throw up. I went on a basic one-day first aid course last month and I didn't get my certificate because they started talking about cuts and bleeding and I threw up and fainted. Not in front of anybody, I left the room and went to the bathroom, but it was still embarrassing. They sent me home.
It would be nice if I was a confident, secure, flexible, kind and generous person. But I'm not. I'm insecure, paranoid, tense, demanding, critical and a perfectionist. Since I can't live up to my own standards, I have also become very lazy. What can you do when you've lost all confidence? I don't want to let these things take over, I want to regain some sense of worth. But when I view the world as being crap, how can I find worth in myself in that sort of setting? I need some sort of guidelines or a method, an affirmation or a list of things to train myself to see on a daily basis that is positive. Maybe I should get some sort of self-help book (not Dianetics!). That, my friends, is at the core of what is wrong in my life. I'm sure if these things changed I'd be fitter, happier and more productive...
It has been a very long while since I've been here. Seven months ago I moved to London and had a flat in Cricklewood (NW London.) A month ago, Ben and I moved into a new flat in Putney (SW London.) It's a great flat! And Putney is just lovely! I think I'm going to like it here. In four days we will be going to Los Angeles to spend Thanksgiving with my family. It will be nice to go back and see everyone. I think I'll even be stepping foot in Sexy Hair Concepts. I even miss them. I can feel free to visit because my old boss who made my life so miserable there has since left the company.
I have had some time to reflect on life and experience some different things over the last few months. My most major revelation, which I think isn't breaking news, is that I am never happy. "I was looking for a job and then I found a job, and heaven knows I'm miserable now..." Oh Morrissey knows what it's like to be me! It was awful to be unemployed for three months. I applied for over 100 jobs and got number 88. Now I am the Design Manager at a company in Wimbledon Park (SW London) called Feme Limited. I was really excited to have the job for about a month and then reality set in. There is very little structure or conveyance of a plan to drive the company forward and miscommunication runs rampant. The combination of no guidelines and micro-management by the heads of the company ensure that very little gets accomplished without initialising plans in the dark and then having to rework and reexamine about 20 million times. From an artistic point of view, the image of the company is very bland. The good thing is that the design department's main task is to publish a quarterly magazine called Spell and it is very fun to work on. And hey, it's a job that pays well. I can't imagine that I would find another job that would make me completely happy. My plan is to give it a year and then if I'm still not happy then I'll look for a new job.
I'll tell you why I am never happy. Because I have a negative outlook on life. I've tried to modify the way I see things but I am a pessimist at heart. It seems I can only really enjoy things when I look back on it. I can't name one thing that would make me feel happy right now. That's an awful revelation. Even going on vacation to see my family isn't making me feel happy. I know I'll be happy when I am there, but thinking about it now just fills me with dread because I don't want to fly.
The flight over here was difficult. I got sick on the way. That's because I'm a wuss. I'm getting extra sensitive and paranoid. I can't stand to think about my blood running through my veins, it makes me nauseous. During the flight here I was convinced that I would get a blood clot from sitting too long and it made me throw up. I went on a basic one-day first aid course last month and I didn't get my certificate because they started talking about cuts and bleeding and I threw up and fainted. Not in front of anybody, I left the room and went to the bathroom, but it was still embarrassing. They sent me home.
It would be nice if I was a confident, secure, flexible, kind and generous person. But I'm not. I'm insecure, paranoid, tense, demanding, critical and a perfectionist. Since I can't live up to my own standards, I have also become very lazy. What can you do when you've lost all confidence? I don't want to let these things take over, I want to regain some sense of worth. But when I view the world as being crap, how can I find worth in myself in that sort of setting? I need some sort of guidelines or a method, an affirmation or a list of things to train myself to see on a daily basis that is positive. Maybe I should get some sort of self-help book (not Dianetics!). That, my friends, is at the core of what is wrong in my life. I'm sure if these things changed I'd be fitter, happier and more productive...
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
A TOILET FACTORY IN ITALY.
Just 12 more work days to go. Then I will never have to step foot in this place again. I think that idea is the only thing that kept me from losing my temper today. These people I work with are just so careless and sloppy. I am so sick of having to do and re-do the same project just because they don't THINK or even use spell-check. Heaven help the new graphic designer that is about to start.
So, I was updating my portfolio last night and I felt like it was sub-par. Not surprising, coming from a girl with a bad attitude. I remember before I got this job, I had the same feeling, like I was on the brink of being able to demonstrate what I can do, but just not quite able to produce the examples. It's funny, too, because as I pulled those old examples out of my portfolio, they weren't as bad as I had remembered them being. I replaced them with newer things that I produced in the last 3 years working here and I felt that same frustration. I wish I had a moment of clarity, where I could see exactly what sort of printed piece or demonstrated process is missing. I used to have those all the time, before my very esscence was being drained on a daily basis.
Half of me is idealistic. I think about what I don't like about my job here and promise myself that I won't put up with that sort of thing ever again. I'll take a stand and fight to improve things that could be done differently. I won't let other people drag me down. Then the other half of me just feels apathetic. There's no use, every place will be the same... but I know that isn't true.
I'm excited thinking about the flat that Ben and I will rent in London in the very near future. I wonder where it will be and what our neighbourhood will be like. I am so thrilled that we will be able to take a bit of time to drive up north to see Ben's family, and that I will finally get to meet his dad (who has a birthday coming up very soon!) It will be surreal to be at a Manchester United match at Old Trafford. It will be a nice holiday.
Ben has put up my design website that we made together at www.rachelappsdesign.com. I think it looks pretty great!
I hate packing stuff to move. I think it's one of the worst tasks EVER.
Just 12 more work days to go. Then I will never have to step foot in this place again. I think that idea is the only thing that kept me from losing my temper today. These people I work with are just so careless and sloppy. I am so sick of having to do and re-do the same project just because they don't THINK or even use spell-check. Heaven help the new graphic designer that is about to start.
So, I was updating my portfolio last night and I felt like it was sub-par. Not surprising, coming from a girl with a bad attitude. I remember before I got this job, I had the same feeling, like I was on the brink of being able to demonstrate what I can do, but just not quite able to produce the examples. It's funny, too, because as I pulled those old examples out of my portfolio, they weren't as bad as I had remembered them being. I replaced them with newer things that I produced in the last 3 years working here and I felt that same frustration. I wish I had a moment of clarity, where I could see exactly what sort of printed piece or demonstrated process is missing. I used to have those all the time, before my very esscence was being drained on a daily basis.
Half of me is idealistic. I think about what I don't like about my job here and promise myself that I won't put up with that sort of thing ever again. I'll take a stand and fight to improve things that could be done differently. I won't let other people drag me down. Then the other half of me just feels apathetic. There's no use, every place will be the same... but I know that isn't true.
I'm excited thinking about the flat that Ben and I will rent in London in the very near future. I wonder where it will be and what our neighbourhood will be like. I am so thrilled that we will be able to take a bit of time to drive up north to see Ben's family, and that I will finally get to meet his dad (who has a birthday coming up very soon!) It will be surreal to be at a Manchester United match at Old Trafford. It will be a nice holiday.
Ben has put up my design website that we made together at www.rachelappsdesign.com. I think it looks pretty great!
I hate packing stuff to move. I think it's one of the worst tasks EVER.
Friday, February 06, 2004
DRESSED AS A WOMAN WITH HORRIBLE HAIR...
It's been a long time since I wrote anything. Supermarket employees are still striking. I got to my goal weight for Thanksgiving. I have kicked my Ebay habit. Autumn came and went. The family didn't end up singing Christmas carols together, but we had a great holiday nonetheless. I am still obsessed with Belle & Sebastian's 'Dear Catastrophe Waitress.' My job was ok for a while and went horribly bad again. I have spent the past week retouching a photo ridiculously. I don't understand why this company is so inept at taking appropriate hair photos, when what we sell is hair product. Only 45 more work days left....
Ben and I are moving to London on April 14th. I just got my Entry Clearance Visa that allows me to enter and leave the UK freely and to work there. So, instead of having a holiday we turned it into a move. Amber decided that she is going to stay at home and not take the holiday like she'd planned to with us. I am going to miss her probably more than I realise now.
Amber said she'll buy my car, so we are practising driving every day and she takes her driving test again on March 3rd. I hope she doesn't panic again like she has in the past. She is a good driver.
I am trying to get everything together for my online portfolio and Ben and I are going to make my website. I have to fine tune my CV, too. I figure I can actively start looking for a design job in March. I subscribed to an online service that lists design jobs in the UK. I think that will be a great resource for contacts. Ben is seeking information on working for the London Underground. I can picture him really doing well working for them. Plus, getting free travel for himself and his family is a great bonus!
My boss is a total wanker. He has a business outside of the company we work for, and for the past few months he has openly been working on his own business during work hours and doing very little company work. My co-designer and I have been left stranded without any creative direction and have been left to make important decisions on our own. Then, our boss takes credit for our work. He also was lying to his boss and expecting us to lie for him as well. So, I went to his boss and told her everything that was happening. Ultimately, the consequences for him have not been very drastic. But when I leave here, I know that my co-designer is going to have a lot more power and control in the department and it will be a much better palce to work. I know that the day that I get away from my boss will be one of the best days of my life. He is one of the most draining and disgusting people I have ever been forced to spend time with.
So, things are looking up for me. Now we are just trying to get things organised and ready for the move. It is all very exciting. I am also very nervous about leaving my family and friends behind. I will miss them so much.
It's been a long time since I wrote anything. Supermarket employees are still striking. I got to my goal weight for Thanksgiving. I have kicked my Ebay habit. Autumn came and went. The family didn't end up singing Christmas carols together, but we had a great holiday nonetheless. I am still obsessed with Belle & Sebastian's 'Dear Catastrophe Waitress.' My job was ok for a while and went horribly bad again. I have spent the past week retouching a photo ridiculously. I don't understand why this company is so inept at taking appropriate hair photos, when what we sell is hair product. Only 45 more work days left....
Ben and I are moving to London on April 14th. I just got my Entry Clearance Visa that allows me to enter and leave the UK freely and to work there. So, instead of having a holiday we turned it into a move. Amber decided that she is going to stay at home and not take the holiday like she'd planned to with us. I am going to miss her probably more than I realise now.
Amber said she'll buy my car, so we are practising driving every day and she takes her driving test again on March 3rd. I hope she doesn't panic again like she has in the past. She is a good driver.
I am trying to get everything together for my online portfolio and Ben and I are going to make my website. I have to fine tune my CV, too. I figure I can actively start looking for a design job in March. I subscribed to an online service that lists design jobs in the UK. I think that will be a great resource for contacts. Ben is seeking information on working for the London Underground. I can picture him really doing well working for them. Plus, getting free travel for himself and his family is a great bonus!
My boss is a total wanker. He has a business outside of the company we work for, and for the past few months he has openly been working on his own business during work hours and doing very little company work. My co-designer and I have been left stranded without any creative direction and have been left to make important decisions on our own. Then, our boss takes credit for our work. He also was lying to his boss and expecting us to lie for him as well. So, I went to his boss and told her everything that was happening. Ultimately, the consequences for him have not been very drastic. But when I leave here, I know that my co-designer is going to have a lot more power and control in the department and it will be a much better palce to work. I know that the day that I get away from my boss will be one of the best days of my life. He is one of the most draining and disgusting people I have ever been forced to spend time with.
So, things are looking up for me. Now we are just trying to get things organised and ready for the move. It is all very exciting. I am also very nervous about leaving my family and friends behind. I will miss them so much.
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