surrounded by toys

surrounded by toys
Originally uploaded by brapps

My son is so cute. He really is a joy to be around, and when he sleeps a long stretch, I miss him.

Tonight, he started crying a lot as I got him ready for bed. He did that last night as well. I think he's really windy. Maybe I shouldn't feed him any solids so close to bed time. It really stresses me out when he cries. He used to cry a lot more like this in the early days, it's funny how nearly five months on and it's so easy to forget.

I'm startled by how fast five months have passed. I feel sad. I feel like I might just be starting to get the hang of this parenting thing and I'm already having to face decisions about how long my maternity leave will last (until March or June?) and how in the world and where in the world am I going to go back to work??? I have to transfer to a station closer to where we live.

I suppose I still haven't accepted the passing of my old life. I guess I still think that when I go back to work, poof, the baby will disappear and I'll be living in my old flat again and be happy to make it home in time for the 5 o'clock footie on a Saturday evening. No. Sometimes I feel like I'm in exile here in the new house with the new challenge of always doing what's best for the baby. It can feel very scary and lonely.

Trip to L.A.

Dr Conkey's
Originally uploaded by brapps

Our trip to L.A. went really well, despite the myriad of family drama. I was feeling a bit resentful that all of it happened to coincide with our trip, then Ben reminded me that even if everything had been fine, some family drama was bound to ensue. That's true, so I felt better.

I made it to Dr Conkey's and had a hazelnut coffee! It wasn't quite the same as it was in the old days, but it was still really nice.

We did lots of shopping at Target whilst there, mainly for the baby clothes.

Part of the time we stayed with my brother, Tony and his wife, Tiffany at their new house in Burbank (boy, is it great!) and the other part with my parents. My parents' dog, Eva was really excited to see the baby, she was so cute with him. I wonder what it will be like when she sees him again next Christmas. I bet she's just going to go wild! My family was really excited to meet the baby for the first time, and he was so well-behaved.

I had a birthday while we were there, we went to a Dodger's baseball game, went to visit my grandparents (who were also excited to meet the baby) and rode on the Metrolink train between Burbank and Simi Valley quite a bit. We also met Annie's son, Roman, for the first time and went shopping with them, and caught up with Vicky, too! It was so nice to see them!

All in all, I'd say it was a great trip! Now if only the baby would start sleeping through the night again!

A Year Ago Today

121appsesatthehelm
Originally uploaded by brapps

It was on 22 September 2006, we were travelling back to London from our boating holiday on the Norfolk Broads with Mark and Sarah. We stopped at a Tesco in Watton, Norfolk and I took a pregnancy test in the loo there. Someone bought American style jelly doughnuts. I was in a daze because I didn't have to wait the 2 minutes, I could see the blue line was coming up BOLD for positive within seconds. That was the day that Jamesy's existence was confirmed.

DR CONKEY'S COFFEE

There's a shop in Simi Valley called Dr Conkey's, I used to get so many cups of coffee there when I worked next door at Tempo Music and Video. Tempo isn't there anymore, and I heard that Dr Conkey's changed ownership and took over the Tempo space next door. When I go back to Simi Valley, I'm going to stop at Dr Conkey's and hope that I can get a coffee...

...man, I could go for a hazelnut coffee right now!

PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I SCREAM!

flattering faces
Originally uploaded by brapps

I'm going a bit stir crazy now. I'm still feeling sick. I'm tired, and I JUST NEED A BREAK!!!!

This is my family, and no, we're not inbred!

WILL LIFE EVER BE SANE AGAIN?

I'm ill again, and I haven't seen my friend Vickie and her son Morrie for a week now. They get back from their holiday in a week. I seem to get depressed whenever I don't see them for a while. I don't know what's going on with the illness. Maybe I get ill more when I feel down or maybe I feel more down when I'm ill. It's hard to say.

It makes me cry to think about the end of my pregnancy. I think moving to a new town right after having a baby was a good idea, because life wasn't going to be the same with a baby, so why get used to things at the old place with a baby to then move a few months later? But now I wonder if I've given myself a harder job to come to terms with the fact that the life I used to have is over. If I was still in the same place but with the new role as a mum, maybe I could accept it quicker. I feel like I'm walking around in someone else's house, in someone else's life. I wonder, who am I now? Being pregnant was like being me only better, cos I had this new potential, this new trick of hosting a baby. The anticipation of the birth of the baby was like being a kid waiting for Christmas all over again (I REALLY used to get excited), and I felt so special and so good about myself. Everyone seemed to treat me with kindness and adoration. That must be the one time in a woman's life when she can feel so magnificent. Now it's over. Even when I'm pregnant again, it won't be like it was - I have all of the responsibility to look after my firstborn and will have no time to "take care" of myself as I did when I was pregnant the first time. My God, other mothers warned me to enjoy it because there won't be another time like it. Now I see exactly what they were talking about. I wish I had a time machine and could live just one hour in my old life. I'd paint my nails or have a long soak in a hot tub and just BREATHE because I wouldn't have the weight of the world on my shoulders...

... and then when the hour was up, I'd come back to my new life and be so happy to see my baby boy smile at me. I'd miss him!

IF YOUR BABY'S GOING CRAZY

I had the flu last week, from Wednesday night. It was horrible. I realise that I am miserable when I'm ill in any scenario, but while having to look after an 11 week old baby on my own, I felt really stranded. It's times like that when I really miss my parents cos I know my mom would have helped me take care of the baby.

I was afraid I wouldn't be well enough to go to the 10th Sinister birthday picnic on Primrose Hill on Saturday, so I took it easy on Thursday and Friday. Luckily I was able to keep food down by Friday evening, so I was feeling much better for Saturday. What a beautiful day it was! So much fun!

Now it's Monday evening and I'm feeling very depressed. I think because I haven't seen my other friends with babies for 5 days now and I'm feeling very isolated. I dunno, maybe I'm just overly-emotional today. I really could just cry for no good reason. James is being an angel so far today, really smiley and cute and napping well. I went for a walk, went to the cafe and had peppermint tea and salad, came home and now I'll take the washing off the clothesline while James is still asleep in his pushchair. Fingers crossed he stays asleep long enough!

Ben will be off for 2 days starting tomorrow. I hope that we're able to get things done and spend time with each other. I have my postnatal class tomorrow and I'm taking James to the cranial osteopath on Wednesday. I think Ben might come along, we'll see!