VIVID AND IN YOUR PRIME.

The sun is shining through clouds, past the glass in the office window and into my eye as I type this. My ability to stay focused on any tasks at hand has been obliterated by my daydreams today. I'm thinking about what I want to do today, tonight, this year... Happy New Year! I've been married for two years now as of New Year's Eve, can you believe it? Last night while I was drifting off to sleep, I was getting flashes of things in my memory, trying to conjure up that physical sensation of fluttering in my chest, trying to feel excited by something again, as if to test out if I still could. It nearly worked, I could feel the reaction almost happening. I couldn't tell you what I was thinking about to try to evoke the feeling - it was just vague pictures, because to be honest, I don't know what excites me to the core anymore. I think that's the difference. I used to be so passionate about everything that I liked and over the last few years it seems that my adoration is just mediocre. There are very few things that really touch me. My adoration of Ben is the dominant passion I have, the love and longing for my family, and my fondness for animals - mainly cats and dogs. I just see their furry little faces and it puts a smile on my face (cats and dogs, not my family and Ben. Well, Ben's furry little face makes me smile, too!) Someday when Ben and I own property, we'll get some cats and dogs. For now I'll just have to envy yours.

I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions, per se. I've been thinking about habits I want to gain and projects I'd like to start and complete. I want to get into a better daily routine of maintaining my life. Stupid things to keep the flat tidy, washing up every night and washing clothes so they don't pile up. Taking more care with my own grooming. I used to really care how I look and now I just don't make very much effort. I have to take advantage of my youth! I just know that in ten years I'll be looking at photos of myself now and my perception will be so much more positive, I'll regret not dressing up more and painting my nails and little things like that. I want to get my and Ben's things in better order, a lot of our stuff still hasn't been unpacked since we moved to Putney in mid-October! I want to focus on reorganising. Another thing I want to do is start a Suede website with archives of the Suede fanzine I used to make. That's something I've been talking about doing for years. I have tons of material from my Suede following days that would be nice to make accessible to other fans. It's just sat here (or in my parents' garage) collecting dust. I think it would be very therapeutic for me to do this, and a good project to help develop my web design skills. Also, since Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler have formed a new band, The Tears, I could tie that into it as well, if they're any good/cooperative when I see them in February. Watch this space.

Overall, I am thinking about my mental wellbeing and how to be happy. I want to concentrate on boosting my self-esteem, which in turn will help me be more positive. My anxiety level has been high lately. I find myself thinking ludicrous things, for example, I'll be on my way home and I'll think the flat might be on fire. I'm not sure how to reduce the anxiety (I don't want to be medicated for it again), maybe I should cut down on caffeine. But I feel really tired in the morning. I was thinking something interesting the other day about that. I generally feel like I'm sluggish. It doesn't really matter how much sleep I get. But around 3 pm, I feel more energetic. I think maybe it's because I have such nocturnal tendencies and have always had since before I was born, according to my mom. That could possibly be why I find it more difficult to get motivated when I'm constantly feeling like I'm forcing myself awake and then forcing myself to sleep. I'm not 'NSync with the working society. Coping with that is just part of being an adult, I suppose.