I GOT CONFUSED, I KILLED A HORSE

I can't help the way I feel... and is it really so strange? Ahhh, I love The Smiths! I had such a good night last night, cleaning up in my room, putting away winter jumpers and getting out summer vests, AND watching a Smiths/Morrissey video hour before Big Brother came on. I liked singing along while I hung up clothes. i could remember doing a similar thing 15 years ago.

It has been a long time since I wrote. I hadn't realised it's been nearly 2 months. I worked a lot of overtime between this post and the last, preparing for this big trade show the company was going to over the end of May bank holiday weekend. I am really relieved it is over, that was really hellish to prepare for, but I did a good job project managing and am getting praise from my co-workers. However, during the month of May, I think I only went to the gym once. Bad Rachie.

This weekend, I'm going to Bornemouth for Bev's hen weekend. It should be a great time, lots of drinking!

In other news, I need to learn to be assertive and share power with everyone in my life. I am working on it. Seems like I can only take the totally passive role or the overpowering controlling role. No sir, I don't like it. Since being on new turf, I've tended more towards the passive and it is depressing.

My brother Tony and his wife Tiffany are coming to visit in about 6 weeks! I AM SO EXCITED!!! We will have so much fun! They have never been to London, I think it will rock their world!

Lunch is over!

TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE CLOTHING - AND PANCAKES!

I have been livng in London for a year now, as of yesterday. What do I think? I love London. I miss some things about L.A. Namely, tumble dryers in most dwellings, stores that stay open past 8pm, good mexican food, Jolly Ranchers, my family and friends, Disneyland, Santa Barbara, Shopping with Vicky. Not being alone. Things I love about London, Ben lives here, the buildings are pretty and full of history, I live near the Thames river, I don't have to drive and can travel for free due to Ben working for the Underground, I can drink a lot more alcohol than I used to, mmmm - Jaffa cakes, sausage & mash, full English Breakfast, lemonade & squash. I'm thirsty. Did you know I mostly drink tea now instead of coffee? Scary! I can actually get up in the morning and function without it. Never thought I'd see the day.

I've been very depressed lately. I've also been ill for almost a week and I haven't been to the gym in over a week. My job is also really crap. I need to find a new one. I started seeing a therapist last week. He seems like a good one. I'm hoping to work on my feelings of low self-esteem and dissatisfaction with everything. A shift in the way I interpret the things that happen in my life and an injection of motivation. I have gotten really lazy. I don't know how to properly make and maintain new friendships or even how to have a sense of style and self. It's all just too much. I'm not giving these things up without a fight, I need to regain these abilities or risk becoming old and lonely before my time.

I saw Interpol at the Brixton Academy last weekend with Clare and her friend Jackie. It was really great, they are fantastic live. And what a beautiful venue. I want to go out more, there is so much to do in London. If I wasn't feeling ill, I'd be going out right now instead of typing on a Saturday night!

IT'S STILL LIFE

Well, my inspiration to write about my long holiday weekend has melted away with another weekend gone. I can sum up the Easter weekend by saying that on Saturday, Ben and I went up to Swiss Cottage to Sally & Sarah's to watch the England footie match with them, Si & Bev, Erica and Tom. I can't remember if anyone else was there... I don't think so. It was a nice time, I drank too much wine, Sally & Sarah always have such nice things at their get-togethers. After that, we went home and had a takeaway curry from The Bombay Bicycle Club and it was really nice. I was chasing pigeons on the platform waiting for the tube, I think it was probably my most memorable time of the day. Sunday, we went to see the Boat Race between Cambridge and Oxford's rowing teams. Oxford won. We watched the race from Sarah's boyfriend Mark's parents' flat in the Putney Tower flats, which are really really nice and on the river. Then, we went home and had Easter eggs and watched telly. Monday... I don't even remember what we did!

This past weekend, Ben played footie in Regent's Park with Ken and some other guys. I went shopping for clothes to wear to the gym and some other stuff. Then I met up with them at a pub and we had some food and watched the Manchester City game, cos one of the guys was a fan. Ken, Ben and I had a drink called "Dr. Pepper" which was Amaretto, Coke and lager. It really did taste sort of like Dr. Pepper. Ben and I then went home to our disaster area of a flat and watched Dr. Who and Saturday Night Live. Sunday, Ben had to go back to work after his 2 week holiday. Earlier in the week he had shaved his beard just on his chin so that he had chops and a moustache, it was very silly. He shaved it all off on Friday. I didn't do a whole lot on Sunday, just the washing up, and some shopping on the Putney High Street. I messed around on the computer a bit. It was good.

TAKIN' IT TO THE STARS - EMOTION LOTION!

I am having a very topsy-turvy emotional time lately. I'm feeling depressed and missing my family a lot and friends back in L.A. It was very nice to speak to my family on Easter, I like talking to them on the phone. It makes me feel a lot less homesick.

We had a really nice long weekend here in London. Friday was good, as Good Friday should be! Ben and I slept in a bit and then got up and headed out to the Knightsbridge / South Kensington area. I went to Havey Nichols to the MAC makeup counter and got the loose powder I was out of. Then, we went to Harrod's. I have never been there before, and it really was cool - packed with people- but cool nonetheless. The colourful array of Easter candy left me in awe, I felt like I had walked into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory! We had Krispy Kreme doughnuts and they were really nice!

Next, we headed to the Science Museum. We got tickets to see the film 'Robots' on the big IMax screen, which we would be doing with Ken a couple of hours after. We then looked around the museum, and it was really good. They have the actual capsule from the Apollo 10 space flight there. In the gift shop, we bought a little kite and decided to head to the park to try to fly it.

On the way to the park, Ben got me an ice cream cone. It was very yummy. Then a bird pooped on my hand, narrowly missing the ice cream. Ben laughed and laughed. We didn't have much luck getting the kite in the air, there wasn't enough of a breeze. It's a pretty handy little kite for only 3 pounds! We hung around the park for a bit until it was getting closer to 4, the time we said we'd meet Ken at South Kensington tube station.

At the station, we took silly photos of ourselves wearing our sunglasses in the sun with our mobile phone cameras. We met Ken and then went to a chippy and got a chicken and mushroom pie and chips and then sat in a square near the Victoria & Albert Museum and ate and watched some kids climb all over a statue. Then it wastime to go back to the Science Museum to see 'Robots'. Across the street from the museum there was a herd of Chavs (bling-bling tacky style people) by a red telephone box, so Ken took a photo as the perfect image of London and then we hurried into the museum before they could come beat him up.

The film was really fun and looked really cool on that giant screen. I enjoyed it a lot! After the film, we headed for a pub. I was getting hungry, but Ben and Ken seemed unsure about what they wanted to do. On the way to the pub, we passed the Kentronic shop and Ken stood on a railing and took a photo of himself in front of the sign. Ben took a photo of me watching Ken take a photo of himself.

In the pub over some beers we decided that we should go play pool. Ken called Marianna to see if she would look on the internet to find out where the nearest Riley's games hall was since Ben and I have membership cards. She figured it out for us and then we ventured over there. I believe it was in Shepherd's Bush.

We played pool for an hour and it was fun! I was a little bit irritated because I was still hungry but Ben thought I should order food at the pool hall, but I know that sometimes they take a really long time and if we were only going to stay an hour then I didn't want to bother.

After pool, I think we parted ways with Ken and headed home. I don't remember what we ended up eating for dinner! So that was my Good Friday, it was really fun. I'll write more about the rest of my holiday weekend soon if I get the time.

THE BEARD STAYS - YOU GO!

Ben has been on holiday this week and he has decided not to shave. He'll be on holiday next week, too. I wonder if I can convince Grizzly Adams to shave once his holiday is over ... maybe his beard will get too tight.

This weekend just exemplifies why I love living in Britain. Tomorrow is Good Friday, so in the U.S., I would have had to go to work. Might be let out at 3pm as a bit of a break for the holiday, but then right back to work on Monday morning. Not here in Britain. Good Friday and Easter Monday are public "bank" holidays which means everyone gets a 4 day weekend. It totally rocks!

I've realised how lame it is that Ben and I didn't go back to California for Easter. Considering he's on his holiday during the time and I could have got some time off, too. But we just saw the fam in late November, and also, if we went now it might make it impossible to go for Christmas, and I really want to be there for Christmas. I am feeling very homesick lately, though. I think because the weather has improved over the last week, and it reminds me of home. We've actually had some lovely sunshine. Also, I've been feeling really depressed lately cos Ben was working nights so I hardly saw him, I had a cold, and my job has been pretty sucky. It's enough to make anyone depressed. I'm looking for a new one now, but not desperately. Any design job in my area that seems good, preferably at a design firm.

Since I last posted, Ben and I went to see The Tears, Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler of Suede's new band. You know what, seeing them was fun, we stood in the front and got sweaty and squashed. They sounded pretty good, too. But there were the same old themes in the lyrics; Brett even made fun of himself saying so. He even did the same old stage moves. It was a bit sad. I stood there thinking "you're old - I'M old!!!" Ben got some photos on his phone and they looked like a million other live Suede photos I've taken, except they were older. I'll probably buy their single, but as far as hanging around after the show to talk to them went, I had no desire to. I actually don't really care if I never speak to them again now, so I guess seeing that performance was as much closure as I needed.

We also went to Manchester and saw Manchester United v. A.C. Milan at Old Trafford. Milan beat us by 1, and then in the second leg ofthe tie, beat us again by 1, so United are out of the Champion's League this season. It was a fun trip, though.

I recently saw the films "The Life Aquatic" and "SIdeways" and both are very good. I was glad to go to the cinema. The next films I'll probably see will be "Robots" and "Miss Congeniality 2."

My friend and Maid of Honour at my wedding, Andrea, will be coming to visit me and Ben soon. Probably at the end of June. It will be really great to do some sight-seeing with her; she's never been to London before. We're also planning to go to Paris for the weekend, so that should be really good fun. Hopefully my brother Tony and sister-in-law Tiffany will visit in July. it would be great to show them around London, too.

NICE MONKEY EARS.

I feel tired today. Ow-woah-woah Rachie's tired. I'm going to the gym tonight at 7, so I'd better snap out of it. the backwards thing is that I will probably feel much more energetic once I go. Ben asked me to do him a favour and go check out the gym a couple of weekends ago. The Putney Leisure Centre is directly across the street from our flat. It would be a crime for me not to go, right? Around that time when I was asked to do the favour, Ben was talking about joining the Gym they have at Baker Street Station where he works. The membership per year costs as much as most gyms cost per month, maybe less. So, after I joined the gym, I asked Ben if he was still going to join the Gym at work and he said no. NO! Can you believe it? No?

I was looking at my friend Julie's weblog site, which I do fairly often. She is awesome. I love her site. It is Lackofstyle.com. I wish I could do something like that.

In a week, Ben, Clare and I are going to see The Tears concert. They're the band consisting of Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler, formerly of Suede, plus two other guys. I am dying to speak to Brett again. I haven't spoken to him since Suede flew out of the San Francisco airport in June 1997. That was the only time I've ever seen my friend Annie cry. I want to speak to Brett to see what he's like now, since he is supposedly off the drugs now. I wonder if he remembers me. I've been dreaming about talking to him lately. I just *hope* there is an opportunity for me to speak to him. The thought also occured to me that Mat, SImon and Richard of Suede could possibly be at the concert, too. Maybe I'll run into them, too. I know it might sound pathetic, but I love those guys. So much of my energy was devoted to them in my early twenties. I don't think it's something a person can just snap out of no matter how burned out on the music they get.

In two weeks, Ben and I are going to Old Trafford to see Manchester United v. A.C. Milan and he is dead excited! I'm glad that he is, I'm sure we'll have a great time!

HOWZAT?!?!

I have crushes on some of England's cricket team members. My favourites are Andrew Flintoff and Steven Harmison and also Matthew Hoggard. They're much cuter than the baseball players in the States, for the most part. England beat South Africa in the test series they were playing in S.A... I listened to the end of it as I was having my root canal finished at the Dentist's office.

When I first got into the room with Dr. McCaw, I told him that I was concerned about the amount of money it was costing. Now, those of you who know me know that when I think I sound calm in my head, I sound upset to whom I'm speaking to. That wasn't the case here, I assure you, cos I wasn't upset at all. But Dr. McCaw got all pissy and defensive when I told him that I had called a dentist's office near my work and they quoted me prices that were significantly less, and that I would save £250 there. He said "well then forget it, why don't you just go there now!" (Scottish temper flaring up!) and I said that, no, I'd like to have him finish it because he'd already started it, but that I wanted to explain myself and give him a reason today of why I probably wouldn't be going back in the future. So, he got started on my tooth. I was real nervous cos I thought he probably wouldn't care about hurting me, etc if he thought I was not coming back anyway. But he did a fine job, and at the end when I went to pay, he had charged me £200 less than I was expecting! Awww! But I still think I'll be signing up with the dentist by my work since it would be more conveniant and the prices are better. Dentistry is so much different here than in the U.S.

SHUT THE GOD DAMNED COTTON PICKING DOOR

Lately I have found myself looking at Pippi Longstocking movies for sale on Ebay. I don't mean the new one or the cartoon one, I mean the 1970's era English dubbed films starring Inger Nilssen that were shown by Tom Hatton on successive weekend on the Family Film Festival. I am not sure why I have become so obsessed with the idea of owning these films... I want to see a horse in the house, or see a car fly or something... I just remember loving the movies so much and really looking forward to the time of year when they would undoubtedly be shown on TV. I miss having that to look forward to.

THAT IS ONE CAR WASH THOSE FOLKS WILL NEVER FORGET!

I keep thinking about different skits done by the comedy troupe, The State, who used to have a show on MTV. It is one of my most favourite TV shows ever and supposedly it will be released on DVD soon. I want that so bad! So many of the things I say on a daily basis come from that show and it stretches far beyond your usual "I wanna dip my balls in it" Louie quote. I hope the DVD is released soon. I really, really do.

So, January is over halfway over already. I can't believe how fast time is going by.

A couple of days ago I had the beginning part of a root canal on one of my back molars that had collapsed. I say beginning part because at the dentists here in London, they do things much more methodically than the "wham-bam thank you ma'am" style in the US. I appreciate that. What I don't appreciate is the Armenian leg this is costing me. 105 pounds for a temporary filling until next week?? All in all, it will end up being around 1000 pounds, which is around $1900 American dollars. Can you believe it? No wonder these people never go to the dentist! I'll be going back to see Dr. Geoffrey Macaw on Tuesday (Let Macaw ya back!).

VIVID AND IN YOUR PRIME.

The sun is shining through clouds, past the glass in the office window and into my eye as I type this. My ability to stay focused on any tasks at hand has been obliterated by my daydreams today. I'm thinking about what I want to do today, tonight, this year... Happy New Year! I've been married for two years now as of New Year's Eve, can you believe it? Last night while I was drifting off to sleep, I was getting flashes of things in my memory, trying to conjure up that physical sensation of fluttering in my chest, trying to feel excited by something again, as if to test out if I still could. It nearly worked, I could feel the reaction almost happening. I couldn't tell you what I was thinking about to try to evoke the feeling - it was just vague pictures, because to be honest, I don't know what excites me to the core anymore. I think that's the difference. I used to be so passionate about everything that I liked and over the last few years it seems that my adoration is just mediocre. There are very few things that really touch me. My adoration of Ben is the dominant passion I have, the love and longing for my family, and my fondness for animals - mainly cats and dogs. I just see their furry little faces and it puts a smile on my face (cats and dogs, not my family and Ben. Well, Ben's furry little face makes me smile, too!) Someday when Ben and I own property, we'll get some cats and dogs. For now I'll just have to envy yours.

I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions, per se. I've been thinking about habits I want to gain and projects I'd like to start and complete. I want to get into a better daily routine of maintaining my life. Stupid things to keep the flat tidy, washing up every night and washing clothes so they don't pile up. Taking more care with my own grooming. I used to really care how I look and now I just don't make very much effort. I have to take advantage of my youth! I just know that in ten years I'll be looking at photos of myself now and my perception will be so much more positive, I'll regret not dressing up more and painting my nails and little things like that. I want to get my and Ben's things in better order, a lot of our stuff still hasn't been unpacked since we moved to Putney in mid-October! I want to focus on reorganising. Another thing I want to do is start a Suede website with archives of the Suede fanzine I used to make. That's something I've been talking about doing for years. I have tons of material from my Suede following days that would be nice to make accessible to other fans. It's just sat here (or in my parents' garage) collecting dust. I think it would be very therapeutic for me to do this, and a good project to help develop my web design skills. Also, since Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler have formed a new band, The Tears, I could tie that into it as well, if they're any good/cooperative when I see them in February. Watch this space.

Overall, I am thinking about my mental wellbeing and how to be happy. I want to concentrate on boosting my self-esteem, which in turn will help me be more positive. My anxiety level has been high lately. I find myself thinking ludicrous things, for example, I'll be on my way home and I'll think the flat might be on fire. I'm not sure how to reduce the anxiety (I don't want to be medicated for it again), maybe I should cut down on caffeine. But I feel really tired in the morning. I was thinking something interesting the other day about that. I generally feel like I'm sluggish. It doesn't really matter how much sleep I get. But around 3 pm, I feel more energetic. I think maybe it's because I have such nocturnal tendencies and have always had since before I was born, according to my mom. That could possibly be why I find it more difficult to get motivated when I'm constantly feeling like I'm forcing myself awake and then forcing myself to sleep. I'm not 'NSync with the working society. Coping with that is just part of being an adult, I suppose.