Trip to L.A.

Dr Conkey's
Originally uploaded by brapps

Our trip to L.A. went really well, despite the myriad of family drama. I was feeling a bit resentful that all of it happened to coincide with our trip, then Ben reminded me that even if everything had been fine, some family drama was bound to ensue. That's true, so I felt better.

I made it to Dr Conkey's and had a hazelnut coffee! It wasn't quite the same as it was in the old days, but it was still really nice.

We did lots of shopping at Target whilst there, mainly for the baby clothes.

Part of the time we stayed with my brother, Tony and his wife, Tiffany at their new house in Burbank (boy, is it great!) and the other part with my parents. My parents' dog, Eva was really excited to see the baby, she was so cute with him. I wonder what it will be like when she sees him again next Christmas. I bet she's just going to go wild! My family was really excited to meet the baby for the first time, and he was so well-behaved.

I had a birthday while we were there, we went to a Dodger's baseball game, went to visit my grandparents (who were also excited to meet the baby) and rode on the Metrolink train between Burbank and Simi Valley quite a bit. We also met Annie's son, Roman, for the first time and went shopping with them, and caught up with Vicky, too! It was so nice to see them!

All in all, I'd say it was a great trip! Now if only the baby would start sleeping through the night again!

A Year Ago Today

121appsesatthehelm
Originally uploaded by brapps

It was on 22 September 2006, we were travelling back to London from our boating holiday on the Norfolk Broads with Mark and Sarah. We stopped at a Tesco in Watton, Norfolk and I took a pregnancy test in the loo there. Someone bought American style jelly doughnuts. I was in a daze because I didn't have to wait the 2 minutes, I could see the blue line was coming up BOLD for positive within seconds. That was the day that Jamesy's existence was confirmed.

DR CONKEY'S COFFEE

There's a shop in Simi Valley called Dr Conkey's, I used to get so many cups of coffee there when I worked next door at Tempo Music and Video. Tempo isn't there anymore, and I heard that Dr Conkey's changed ownership and took over the Tempo space next door. When I go back to Simi Valley, I'm going to stop at Dr Conkey's and hope that I can get a coffee...

...man, I could go for a hazelnut coffee right now!

PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I SCREAM!

flattering faces
Originally uploaded by brapps

I'm going a bit stir crazy now. I'm still feeling sick. I'm tired, and I JUST NEED A BREAK!!!!

This is my family, and no, we're not inbred!

WILL LIFE EVER BE SANE AGAIN?

I'm ill again, and I haven't seen my friend Vickie and her son Morrie for a week now. They get back from their holiday in a week. I seem to get depressed whenever I don't see them for a while. I don't know what's going on with the illness. Maybe I get ill more when I feel down or maybe I feel more down when I'm ill. It's hard to say.

It makes me cry to think about the end of my pregnancy. I think moving to a new town right after having a baby was a good idea, because life wasn't going to be the same with a baby, so why get used to things at the old place with a baby to then move a few months later? But now I wonder if I've given myself a harder job to come to terms with the fact that the life I used to have is over. If I was still in the same place but with the new role as a mum, maybe I could accept it quicker. I feel like I'm walking around in someone else's house, in someone else's life. I wonder, who am I now? Being pregnant was like being me only better, cos I had this new potential, this new trick of hosting a baby. The anticipation of the birth of the baby was like being a kid waiting for Christmas all over again (I REALLY used to get excited), and I felt so special and so good about myself. Everyone seemed to treat me with kindness and adoration. That must be the one time in a woman's life when she can feel so magnificent. Now it's over. Even when I'm pregnant again, it won't be like it was - I have all of the responsibility to look after my firstborn and will have no time to "take care" of myself as I did when I was pregnant the first time. My God, other mothers warned me to enjoy it because there won't be another time like it. Now I see exactly what they were talking about. I wish I had a time machine and could live just one hour in my old life. I'd paint my nails or have a long soak in a hot tub and just BREATHE because I wouldn't have the weight of the world on my shoulders...

... and then when the hour was up, I'd come back to my new life and be so happy to see my baby boy smile at me. I'd miss him!

IF YOUR BABY'S GOING CRAZY

I had the flu last week, from Wednesday night. It was horrible. I realise that I am miserable when I'm ill in any scenario, but while having to look after an 11 week old baby on my own, I felt really stranded. It's times like that when I really miss my parents cos I know my mom would have helped me take care of the baby.

I was afraid I wouldn't be well enough to go to the 10th Sinister birthday picnic on Primrose Hill on Saturday, so I took it easy on Thursday and Friday. Luckily I was able to keep food down by Friday evening, so I was feeling much better for Saturday. What a beautiful day it was! So much fun!

Now it's Monday evening and I'm feeling very depressed. I think because I haven't seen my other friends with babies for 5 days now and I'm feeling very isolated. I dunno, maybe I'm just overly-emotional today. I really could just cry for no good reason. James is being an angel so far today, really smiley and cute and napping well. I went for a walk, went to the cafe and had peppermint tea and salad, came home and now I'll take the washing off the clothesline while James is still asleep in his pushchair. Fingers crossed he stays asleep long enough!

Ben will be off for 2 days starting tomorrow. I hope that we're able to get things done and spend time with each other. I have my postnatal class tomorrow and I'm taking James to the cranial osteopath on Wednesday. I think Ben might come along, we'll see!

GOING UNDERGROUND

I started working for the London Underground part-time. So far I'm really enjoying it!

I GOT CONFUSED, I KILLED A HORSE

I can't help the way I feel... and is it really so strange? Ahhh, I love The Smiths! I had such a good night last night, cleaning up in my room, putting away winter jumpers and getting out summer vests, AND watching a Smiths/Morrissey video hour before Big Brother came on. I liked singing along while I hung up clothes. i could remember doing a similar thing 15 years ago.

It has been a long time since I wrote. I hadn't realised it's been nearly 2 months. I worked a lot of overtime between this post and the last, preparing for this big trade show the company was going to over the end of May bank holiday weekend. I am really relieved it is over, that was really hellish to prepare for, but I did a good job project managing and am getting praise from my co-workers. However, during the month of May, I think I only went to the gym once. Bad Rachie.

This weekend, I'm going to Bornemouth for Bev's hen weekend. It should be a great time, lots of drinking!

In other news, I need to learn to be assertive and share power with everyone in my life. I am working on it. Seems like I can only take the totally passive role or the overpowering controlling role. No sir, I don't like it. Since being on new turf, I've tended more towards the passive and it is depressing.

My brother Tony and his wife Tiffany are coming to visit in about 6 weeks! I AM SO EXCITED!!! We will have so much fun! They have never been to London, I think it will rock their world!

Lunch is over!

TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE CLOTHING - AND PANCAKES!

I have been livng in London for a year now, as of yesterday. What do I think? I love London. I miss some things about L.A. Namely, tumble dryers in most dwellings, stores that stay open past 8pm, good mexican food, Jolly Ranchers, my family and friends, Disneyland, Santa Barbara, Shopping with Vicky. Not being alone. Things I love about London, Ben lives here, the buildings are pretty and full of history, I live near the Thames river, I don't have to drive and can travel for free due to Ben working for the Underground, I can drink a lot more alcohol than I used to, mmmm - Jaffa cakes, sausage & mash, full English Breakfast, lemonade & squash. I'm thirsty. Did you know I mostly drink tea now instead of coffee? Scary! I can actually get up in the morning and function without it. Never thought I'd see the day.

I've been very depressed lately. I've also been ill for almost a week and I haven't been to the gym in over a week. My job is also really crap. I need to find a new one. I started seeing a therapist last week. He seems like a good one. I'm hoping to work on my feelings of low self-esteem and dissatisfaction with everything. A shift in the way I interpret the things that happen in my life and an injection of motivation. I have gotten really lazy. I don't know how to properly make and maintain new friendships or even how to have a sense of style and self. It's all just too much. I'm not giving these things up without a fight, I need to regain these abilities or risk becoming old and lonely before my time.

I saw Interpol at the Brixton Academy last weekend with Clare and her friend Jackie. It was really great, they are fantastic live. And what a beautiful venue. I want to go out more, there is so much to do in London. If I wasn't feeling ill, I'd be going out right now instead of typing on a Saturday night!

IT'S STILL LIFE

Well, my inspiration to write about my long holiday weekend has melted away with another weekend gone. I can sum up the Easter weekend by saying that on Saturday, Ben and I went up to Swiss Cottage to Sally & Sarah's to watch the England footie match with them, Si & Bev, Erica and Tom. I can't remember if anyone else was there... I don't think so. It was a nice time, I drank too much wine, Sally & Sarah always have such nice things at their get-togethers. After that, we went home and had a takeaway curry from The Bombay Bicycle Club and it was really nice. I was chasing pigeons on the platform waiting for the tube, I think it was probably my most memorable time of the day. Sunday, we went to see the Boat Race between Cambridge and Oxford's rowing teams. Oxford won. We watched the race from Sarah's boyfriend Mark's parents' flat in the Putney Tower flats, which are really really nice and on the river. Then, we went home and had Easter eggs and watched telly. Monday... I don't even remember what we did!

This past weekend, Ben played footie in Regent's Park with Ken and some other guys. I went shopping for clothes to wear to the gym and some other stuff. Then I met up with them at a pub and we had some food and watched the Manchester City game, cos one of the guys was a fan. Ken, Ben and I had a drink called "Dr. Pepper" which was Amaretto, Coke and lager. It really did taste sort of like Dr. Pepper. Ben and I then went home to our disaster area of a flat and watched Dr. Who and Saturday Night Live. Sunday, Ben had to go back to work after his 2 week holiday. Earlier in the week he had shaved his beard just on his chin so that he had chops and a moustache, it was very silly. He shaved it all off on Friday. I didn't do a whole lot on Sunday, just the washing up, and some shopping on the Putney High Street. I messed around on the computer a bit. It was good.

TAKIN' IT TO THE STARS - EMOTION LOTION!

I am having a very topsy-turvy emotional time lately. I'm feeling depressed and missing my family a lot and friends back in L.A. It was very nice to speak to my family on Easter, I like talking to them on the phone. It makes me feel a lot less homesick.

We had a really nice long weekend here in London. Friday was good, as Good Friday should be! Ben and I slept in a bit and then got up and headed out to the Knightsbridge / South Kensington area. I went to Havey Nichols to the MAC makeup counter and got the loose powder I was out of. Then, we went to Harrod's. I have never been there before, and it really was cool - packed with people- but cool nonetheless. The colourful array of Easter candy left me in awe, I felt like I had walked into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory! We had Krispy Kreme doughnuts and they were really nice!

Next, we headed to the Science Museum. We got tickets to see the film 'Robots' on the big IMax screen, which we would be doing with Ken a couple of hours after. We then looked around the museum, and it was really good. They have the actual capsule from the Apollo 10 space flight there. In the gift shop, we bought a little kite and decided to head to the park to try to fly it.

On the way to the park, Ben got me an ice cream cone. It was very yummy. Then a bird pooped on my hand, narrowly missing the ice cream. Ben laughed and laughed. We didn't have much luck getting the kite in the air, there wasn't enough of a breeze. It's a pretty handy little kite for only 3 pounds! We hung around the park for a bit until it was getting closer to 4, the time we said we'd meet Ken at South Kensington tube station.

At the station, we took silly photos of ourselves wearing our sunglasses in the sun with our mobile phone cameras. We met Ken and then went to a chippy and got a chicken and mushroom pie and chips and then sat in a square near the Victoria & Albert Museum and ate and watched some kids climb all over a statue. Then it wastime to go back to the Science Museum to see 'Robots'. Across the street from the museum there was a herd of Chavs (bling-bling tacky style people) by a red telephone box, so Ken took a photo as the perfect image of London and then we hurried into the museum before they could come beat him up.

The film was really fun and looked really cool on that giant screen. I enjoyed it a lot! After the film, we headed for a pub. I was getting hungry, but Ben and Ken seemed unsure about what they wanted to do. On the way to the pub, we passed the Kentronic shop and Ken stood on a railing and took a photo of himself in front of the sign. Ben took a photo of me watching Ken take a photo of himself.

In the pub over some beers we decided that we should go play pool. Ken called Marianna to see if she would look on the internet to find out where the nearest Riley's games hall was since Ben and I have membership cards. She figured it out for us and then we ventured over there. I believe it was in Shepherd's Bush.

We played pool for an hour and it was fun! I was a little bit irritated because I was still hungry but Ben thought I should order food at the pool hall, but I know that sometimes they take a really long time and if we were only going to stay an hour then I didn't want to bother.

After pool, I think we parted ways with Ken and headed home. I don't remember what we ended up eating for dinner! So that was my Good Friday, it was really fun. I'll write more about the rest of my holiday weekend soon if I get the time.

THE BEARD STAYS - YOU GO!

Ben has been on holiday this week and he has decided not to shave. He'll be on holiday next week, too. I wonder if I can convince Grizzly Adams to shave once his holiday is over ... maybe his beard will get too tight.

This weekend just exemplifies why I love living in Britain. Tomorrow is Good Friday, so in the U.S., I would have had to go to work. Might be let out at 3pm as a bit of a break for the holiday, but then right back to work on Monday morning. Not here in Britain. Good Friday and Easter Monday are public "bank" holidays which means everyone gets a 4 day weekend. It totally rocks!

I've realised how lame it is that Ben and I didn't go back to California for Easter. Considering he's on his holiday during the time and I could have got some time off, too. But we just saw the fam in late November, and also, if we went now it might make it impossible to go for Christmas, and I really want to be there for Christmas. I am feeling very homesick lately, though. I think because the weather has improved over the last week, and it reminds me of home. We've actually had some lovely sunshine. Also, I've been feeling really depressed lately cos Ben was working nights so I hardly saw him, I had a cold, and my job has been pretty sucky. It's enough to make anyone depressed. I'm looking for a new one now, but not desperately. Any design job in my area that seems good, preferably at a design firm.

Since I last posted, Ben and I went to see The Tears, Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler of Suede's new band. You know what, seeing them was fun, we stood in the front and got sweaty and squashed. They sounded pretty good, too. But there were the same old themes in the lyrics; Brett even made fun of himself saying so. He even did the same old stage moves. It was a bit sad. I stood there thinking "you're old - I'M old!!!" Ben got some photos on his phone and they looked like a million other live Suede photos I've taken, except they were older. I'll probably buy their single, but as far as hanging around after the show to talk to them went, I had no desire to. I actually don't really care if I never speak to them again now, so I guess seeing that performance was as much closure as I needed.

We also went to Manchester and saw Manchester United v. A.C. Milan at Old Trafford. Milan beat us by 1, and then in the second leg ofthe tie, beat us again by 1, so United are out of the Champion's League this season. It was a fun trip, though.

I recently saw the films "The Life Aquatic" and "SIdeways" and both are very good. I was glad to go to the cinema. The next films I'll probably see will be "Robots" and "Miss Congeniality 2."

My friend and Maid of Honour at my wedding, Andrea, will be coming to visit me and Ben soon. Probably at the end of June. It will be really great to do some sight-seeing with her; she's never been to London before. We're also planning to go to Paris for the weekend, so that should be really good fun. Hopefully my brother Tony and sister-in-law Tiffany will visit in July. it would be great to show them around London, too.

NICE MONKEY EARS.

I feel tired today. Ow-woah-woah Rachie's tired. I'm going to the gym tonight at 7, so I'd better snap out of it. the backwards thing is that I will probably feel much more energetic once I go. Ben asked me to do him a favour and go check out the gym a couple of weekends ago. The Putney Leisure Centre is directly across the street from our flat. It would be a crime for me not to go, right? Around that time when I was asked to do the favour, Ben was talking about joining the Gym they have at Baker Street Station where he works. The membership per year costs as much as most gyms cost per month, maybe less. So, after I joined the gym, I asked Ben if he was still going to join the Gym at work and he said no. NO! Can you believe it? No?

I was looking at my friend Julie's weblog site, which I do fairly often. She is awesome. I love her site. It is Lackofstyle.com. I wish I could do something like that.

In a week, Ben, Clare and I are going to see The Tears concert. They're the band consisting of Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler, formerly of Suede, plus two other guys. I am dying to speak to Brett again. I haven't spoken to him since Suede flew out of the San Francisco airport in June 1997. That was the only time I've ever seen my friend Annie cry. I want to speak to Brett to see what he's like now, since he is supposedly off the drugs now. I wonder if he remembers me. I've been dreaming about talking to him lately. I just *hope* there is an opportunity for me to speak to him. The thought also occured to me that Mat, SImon and Richard of Suede could possibly be at the concert, too. Maybe I'll run into them, too. I know it might sound pathetic, but I love those guys. So much of my energy was devoted to them in my early twenties. I don't think it's something a person can just snap out of no matter how burned out on the music they get.

In two weeks, Ben and I are going to Old Trafford to see Manchester United v. A.C. Milan and he is dead excited! I'm glad that he is, I'm sure we'll have a great time!

HOWZAT?!?!

I have crushes on some of England's cricket team members. My favourites are Andrew Flintoff and Steven Harmison and also Matthew Hoggard. They're much cuter than the baseball players in the States, for the most part. England beat South Africa in the test series they were playing in S.A... I listened to the end of it as I was having my root canal finished at the Dentist's office.

When I first got into the room with Dr. McCaw, I told him that I was concerned about the amount of money it was costing. Now, those of you who know me know that when I think I sound calm in my head, I sound upset to whom I'm speaking to. That wasn't the case here, I assure you, cos I wasn't upset at all. But Dr. McCaw got all pissy and defensive when I told him that I had called a dentist's office near my work and they quoted me prices that were significantly less, and that I would save £250 there. He said "well then forget it, why don't you just go there now!" (Scottish temper flaring up!) and I said that, no, I'd like to have him finish it because he'd already started it, but that I wanted to explain myself and give him a reason today of why I probably wouldn't be going back in the future. So, he got started on my tooth. I was real nervous cos I thought he probably wouldn't care about hurting me, etc if he thought I was not coming back anyway. But he did a fine job, and at the end when I went to pay, he had charged me £200 less than I was expecting! Awww! But I still think I'll be signing up with the dentist by my work since it would be more conveniant and the prices are better. Dentistry is so much different here than in the U.S.

SHUT THE GOD DAMNED COTTON PICKING DOOR

Lately I have found myself looking at Pippi Longstocking movies for sale on Ebay. I don't mean the new one or the cartoon one, I mean the 1970's era English dubbed films starring Inger Nilssen that were shown by Tom Hatton on successive weekend on the Family Film Festival. I am not sure why I have become so obsessed with the idea of owning these films... I want to see a horse in the house, or see a car fly or something... I just remember loving the movies so much and really looking forward to the time of year when they would undoubtedly be shown on TV. I miss having that to look forward to.

THAT IS ONE CAR WASH THOSE FOLKS WILL NEVER FORGET!

I keep thinking about different skits done by the comedy troupe, The State, who used to have a show on MTV. It is one of my most favourite TV shows ever and supposedly it will be released on DVD soon. I want that so bad! So many of the things I say on a daily basis come from that show and it stretches far beyond your usual "I wanna dip my balls in it" Louie quote. I hope the DVD is released soon. I really, really do.

So, January is over halfway over already. I can't believe how fast time is going by.

A couple of days ago I had the beginning part of a root canal on one of my back molars that had collapsed. I say beginning part because at the dentists here in London, they do things much more methodically than the "wham-bam thank you ma'am" style in the US. I appreciate that. What I don't appreciate is the Armenian leg this is costing me. 105 pounds for a temporary filling until next week?? All in all, it will end up being around 1000 pounds, which is around $1900 American dollars. Can you believe it? No wonder these people never go to the dentist! I'll be going back to see Dr. Geoffrey Macaw on Tuesday (Let Macaw ya back!).

VIVID AND IN YOUR PRIME.

The sun is shining through clouds, past the glass in the office window and into my eye as I type this. My ability to stay focused on any tasks at hand has been obliterated by my daydreams today. I'm thinking about what I want to do today, tonight, this year... Happy New Year! I've been married for two years now as of New Year's Eve, can you believe it? Last night while I was drifting off to sleep, I was getting flashes of things in my memory, trying to conjure up that physical sensation of fluttering in my chest, trying to feel excited by something again, as if to test out if I still could. It nearly worked, I could feel the reaction almost happening. I couldn't tell you what I was thinking about to try to evoke the feeling - it was just vague pictures, because to be honest, I don't know what excites me to the core anymore. I think that's the difference. I used to be so passionate about everything that I liked and over the last few years it seems that my adoration is just mediocre. There are very few things that really touch me. My adoration of Ben is the dominant passion I have, the love and longing for my family, and my fondness for animals - mainly cats and dogs. I just see their furry little faces and it puts a smile on my face (cats and dogs, not my family and Ben. Well, Ben's furry little face makes me smile, too!) Someday when Ben and I own property, we'll get some cats and dogs. For now I'll just have to envy yours.

I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions, per se. I've been thinking about habits I want to gain and projects I'd like to start and complete. I want to get into a better daily routine of maintaining my life. Stupid things to keep the flat tidy, washing up every night and washing clothes so they don't pile up. Taking more care with my own grooming. I used to really care how I look and now I just don't make very much effort. I have to take advantage of my youth! I just know that in ten years I'll be looking at photos of myself now and my perception will be so much more positive, I'll regret not dressing up more and painting my nails and little things like that. I want to get my and Ben's things in better order, a lot of our stuff still hasn't been unpacked since we moved to Putney in mid-October! I want to focus on reorganising. Another thing I want to do is start a Suede website with archives of the Suede fanzine I used to make. That's something I've been talking about doing for years. I have tons of material from my Suede following days that would be nice to make accessible to other fans. It's just sat here (or in my parents' garage) collecting dust. I think it would be very therapeutic for me to do this, and a good project to help develop my web design skills. Also, since Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler have formed a new band, The Tears, I could tie that into it as well, if they're any good/cooperative when I see them in February. Watch this space.

Overall, I am thinking about my mental wellbeing and how to be happy. I want to concentrate on boosting my self-esteem, which in turn will help me be more positive. My anxiety level has been high lately. I find myself thinking ludicrous things, for example, I'll be on my way home and I'll think the flat might be on fire. I'm not sure how to reduce the anxiety (I don't want to be medicated for it again), maybe I should cut down on caffeine. But I feel really tired in the morning. I was thinking something interesting the other day about that. I generally feel like I'm sluggish. It doesn't really matter how much sleep I get. But around 3 pm, I feel more energetic. I think maybe it's because I have such nocturnal tendencies and have always had since before I was born, according to my mom. That could possibly be why I find it more difficult to get motivated when I'm constantly feeling like I'm forcing myself awake and then forcing myself to sleep. I'm not 'NSync with the working society. Coping with that is just part of being an adult, I suppose.

CHARTRUESE TAFFETA AND MARTINIS.

I think since I have been off work for the past 4 days, my mind is feeling a bit more flexible and imaginitve. I can sort of feel impressions of things spring into my mind. If you say 1950's cocktail party, I'm thinking chartruese taffeta and martinis. I'm also swimming in a vision of being at my grandparents' old house in Northridge, California when I was very small (so we're talking 1977 or 1978) and I can almost see the glare of the white concrete walk bouncing up into my face, feel the warmth of the sun on my back and see the white daisies jutting out from the flowerbed in every direction. Sometimes I forget where I am these days. I think I assume that I'm in California. The more comfortable I get with living in London, the more the borders begin to blur and everything starts to feel like it originates in California. I think it's a larger scale version of my dreams. They usually end up being set at my primary school. Most of the time the dreams include a snippet of something that really happened there... a school play, a moment on the playground with sticker albums, running outside of the gates after my mom's car to try to get her to stop driving away... I just ended up in the Principal's office. Somehow I think that if I could remember enough from my Grandparents' yard in the 1970's that maybe I could conjure up a memory of playing with my mom in the 1950's. It reminds me of how selective the human memory is, because if I was just crazy enough I could convince myself that this impression I have of what it MIGHT be like in fact actually happened.

WE'D KILL TO LIVE AROUND SW6 WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

Ben and I got back from L.A. on Wednesday. Unfortunately I had to come back to work the next day, and now two days later I am still feeling fairly jet-lagged. The cool thing was that I didn't feel it going to L.A.! The trip was great. The flight wasn't too bad going there or coming back. Neither of us really enjoy it, but it wasn't awful. I watched 4 movies on the way to L.A. (Anchorman, Shrek 2, The Bourne Supremacy, Spiderman 2) so that passed the time fairly well. On the way back I slept most of the time, which was fortunate. I think it was due to the fact that I took an anti motion sickness tablet before we left and it made me a bit drowsy. When we were getting of the plane I almost fainted. I don't know why I am so sensitive these days, I am sure that I used to be tougher. Is it just the resilliance of youth?

It was great to see my family. We spent a lot of our time at my parents' house, and helped them put Christmas lights on their house and up in the trees. This year, they had the guy who trims their 60 foot palm tree string some red and clear lights up the tree and Ben and My dad wrapped them around like a giant candy cane. It looks very cool, the lights go up so high! It almost looks a bit phallic, especially because of the ridge at the top where the palm fronds start forming! Hee hee! The lights look great this year. I am really glad that we were there to help.

Thanksgiving was good, too. It was funny because we usually make our Christmas wish lists and bring them with us to Thanksgiving Dinner so that we can draw names for the family gift exchange. However, I think Amber was the only one who was prepared. We all made our lists there at my parents' house and drew the names. Ben and I managed to buy all the presents for our recipients online and we're having them sent to my parents' house, so that worked out really well for us. I did a lot of clothes shopping while we were there, which was really great. We ended up coming back with 2 extra suitcases. I had been reserving my purchases especially for this trip. I also brought back a few things that I had left at my sister, Amber's. Slowly but surely I'll get all my stuff moved!

It was so nice staying with Amber and Vicky. It was weird at first since we used to live there and things are sort of the same in the apartment, but sort of different, too! We slept in the living room and it was real comfy. Vicky's kitty, Jesse, was very cute and friendly and hung out with us a lot. It made me really want to get a cat, but we can't have pets where we live. It was our first time meeting Jesse, and Rhonda seems a lot calmer now that there is another cat in the house. She is still a fuzzy cootie.

Driving was odd! I haven't driven since April, and at first it seemed awkward, but I got used to it again really quickly. The car we rented was an Oldsmobile Alero and it was pretty nice. It was nice to drive around again, but it also made me appreciate how much easier it is to get around in London, and it made me feel inspired to get out and see more things here.

It was funny going to see my grandma and grandpa. It's about a three hour drive from where my parents live. My parents and David (my younger brother) and Ursula (his wife) and my parents' dog, Eva, went in one car and Tony (my older brother) and Tiffany (his wife) and me and Ben went in Tony's new car which we hadn't seen before. When we got to my grandparents' house, my grandma was sick and she was losing her voice, which was very frustrating for her. Grandpa was in good spirits and he even put in his false teeth for the occasion! Grandma found out that she has to have both hip, both knee, and both ankle joints replaced, so she was pretty bummed out. It will be a 3 year process. But it's either that or be confined to a wheelchair, which would be a bummer, too. Uncle Bill, Cousin Megan and her boyfriend Joey were there, too, so it was a real "family reunion". Megan told everyone that she and Joey are engaged to be married, and I think Uncle Bill was a bit shocked (she hadn't even told her dad yet!) Everyone seemed to be happy about the news, though.

Overall, it was great to see people I hadn't seen for a while, like my family, Vicky, Chris & Annie, Andrea E, Carla, everyone at Sexy Hair (we visited the old workplace!), Julie (who I haven't seen in something like 10 years!) It is nice to be able to get away from everyday life and spend some special time with the people I miss.

I think the thing I wish I could have done while we were in L.A. was to spend more time with Amber and Vicky, but they had to work most of the time we were there. I feel like I haven't spent good quality time with Vicky in ages. It makes me sad. I think I'm going to have to try to make more of an effort to keep in touch with her. I've been way too lazy in that department. She's knittling lots of cool scarves for gifts and it was fun because the night before we left, Vicky and Ben and I went to Andrea E's house and had dinner, and Vicky was talking to Lupe and Andrea about knitting. I think they are going to go to some knitting circles together. That makes me wish I still lived there so I could go, too. I'm sure I can find some crafty groups in London, too, though!

I was afraid that I'd miss L.A. a lot more after this trip and want to move back, but I don't really feel that way. I feel sort of like I still have a period of adjustment to get through, because I don't really feel like I belong in L.A. or London. It's nice to be home. It's nice to visit home, and it's nice to be home, too. I guess home is really an abstract concept.

LONDON BYE, TA TA!

It has been a very long while since I've been here. Seven months ago I moved to London and had a flat in Cricklewood (NW London.) A month ago, Ben and I moved into a new flat in Putney (SW London.) It's a great flat! And Putney is just lovely! I think I'm going to like it here. In four days we will be going to Los Angeles to spend Thanksgiving with my family. It will be nice to go back and see everyone. I think I'll even be stepping foot in Sexy Hair Concepts. I even miss them. I can feel free to visit because my old boss who made my life so miserable there has since left the company.

I have had some time to reflect on life and experience some different things over the last few months. My most major revelation, which I think isn't breaking news, is that I am never happy. "I was looking for a job and then I found a job, and heaven knows I'm miserable now..." Oh Morrissey knows what it's like to be me! It was awful to be unemployed for three months. I applied for over 100 jobs and got number 88. Now I am the Design Manager at a company in Wimbledon Park (SW London) called Feme Limited. I was really excited to have the job for about a month and then reality set in. There is very little structure or conveyance of a plan to drive the company forward and miscommunication runs rampant. The combination of no guidelines and micro-management by the heads of the company ensure that very little gets accomplished without initialising plans in the dark and then having to rework and reexamine about 20 million times. From an artistic point of view, the image of the company is very bland. The good thing is that the design department's main task is to publish a quarterly magazine called Spell and it is very fun to work on. And hey, it's a job that pays well. I can't imagine that I would find another job that would make me completely happy. My plan is to give it a year and then if I'm still not happy then I'll look for a new job.

I'll tell you why I am never happy. Because I have a negative outlook on life. I've tried to modify the way I see things but I am a pessimist at heart. It seems I can only really enjoy things when I look back on it. I can't name one thing that would make me feel happy right now. That's an awful revelation. Even going on vacation to see my family isn't making me feel happy. I know I'll be happy when I am there, but thinking about it now just fills me with dread because I don't want to fly.

The flight over here was difficult. I got sick on the way. That's because I'm a wuss. I'm getting extra sensitive and paranoid. I can't stand to think about my blood running through my veins, it makes me nauseous. During the flight here I was convinced that I would get a blood clot from sitting too long and it made me throw up. I went on a basic one-day first aid course last month and I didn't get my certificate because they started talking about cuts and bleeding and I threw up and fainted. Not in front of anybody, I left the room and went to the bathroom, but it was still embarrassing. They sent me home.

It would be nice if I was a confident, secure, flexible, kind and generous person. But I'm not. I'm insecure, paranoid, tense, demanding, critical and a perfectionist. Since I can't live up to my own standards, I have also become very lazy. What can you do when you've lost all confidence? I don't want to let these things take over, I want to regain some sense of worth. But when I view the world as being crap, how can I find worth in myself in that sort of setting? I need some sort of guidelines or a method, an affirmation or a list of things to train myself to see on a daily basis that is positive. Maybe I should get some sort of self-help book (not Dianetics!). That, my friends, is at the core of what is wrong in my life. I'm sure if these things changed I'd be fitter, happier and more productive...