are they eggs or tangerines?

are they eggs or tangerines?
Originally uploaded by brapps

are they eggs or tangerines?

eggcited about easter

eggcited about easter
Originally uploaded by brapps

eggcited about easter

Tea For Two

stuck on you
Originally uploaded by brapps

It's just sinking in. I am the mother of two boys. Eric is 16 weeks old now and getting very big (19 lbs 10 oz a week ago). I am feeling so much more tired this time around, probably because I have to stick to James' schedule as well as taking care of Eric. The baby doesn't sleep through the night like his big brother did at this stage, in fact, I am waking to feed him 3 or 4 times a night. I'm looking forward to introducing some solid foods!

They are both adorable boys and very good for the most part. I look forward to what this next year holds for our family and hope that it feels easier from my perspective very soon.

Five Years

Amber & Rachel
Originally uploaded by brapps

"I think I saw you in an ice-cream parlour, drinking milk shakes cold and long
Smiling and waving and looking so fine, dont think
You knew you were in this song
And it was cold and it rained so I felt like an actor
And I thought of ma and I wanted to get back there
Your face, your race, the way that you talk
I kiss you, you're beautiful, I want you to walk"

Oh how I love that Bowie song!

Five Years ago today, Ben and I arrived at Heathrow Airport to start our new life here in Britain. It's really cliche to say "It seems like just yesterday" - for me, it seems like it's been five years.

The last couple of weeks I've been feeling a bit homesick. I think because Ben and I were both working over Easter weekend and James was with a babysitter. I wished I was going to have lunch at my parents' house.

Living here in Britain has been great, though. I feel really lucky that we have good jobs and James is lovely, and we have a house. I wouldn't change that for the world!

Love is in the air

goofing
Originally uploaded by brapps

I've been putting together a little homemade Valentine's Day gift for Ben, and reflecting a bit on our six years of marriage. Normally, we don't go in for all the fancy-schmancy Valentine's stuff and I intend to keep it that way. It's just nice to think about what is meaningful to me about him and remind myself, because, let's face it - when you're busy with work and with being parents, it's not always easy to just think about each other once in a while. So I say, why not Valentine's Day. Or rather, why not Friday the 13th. I'll be working the VD this year!

A pox upon this house!

highly contageous
Originally uploaded by brapps

James has chicken pox. He started getting spots on Wednesday night, and by Saturday he was absolutely covered (even got spots in his mouth) and really feverish and miserable. Thank god I was off work that day and Ben was home with him on Sunday. The doctor said we need to keep him quarantined for a week, so I'll not be able to take him out until Friday.

Usually, throughout the week we take a walk to our town's high street and do our grocery shopping every few days. The weather hasn't been great lately anyway, and there's only about 2 minutes of daylight, it seems. So the sensation of being holed up is strong and is driving me a little bit crazy.

Luckily, some of the other local mums and I went out for a nice Chinese meal last night, and I had a couple of glasses of wine which was much needed. I feel I'll be able to get through these next few days ... just about.

There are endless requests for "Jack! Town!", so I'm sure I have more days full of the Christmas Town scene from The Nightmare Before Christmas over and over and over again in my future. I used to love that film ...

Christmas in California

posing with the tree
Originally uploaded by brapps

Today was the second full day back in England after our fabulous 3 week holiday in Southern California with my family. Now, I'm not saying I was naive about what havoc jet lag will play on a 19-month-old's sleep schedule, but it is vastly different than the effect it had on James when we had our trip to SoCal in October 2007 when he was 4 months old. I am hoping that tonight will be more normal. We shall see.

The trip was so much fun! It was great to be away with Ben for 3 weeks, and to be around my parents and siblings, to see them all interact with James. The obsession my boy had with my dad for the few weeks before the trip was met with a bit of shyness from James at first, but once my dad operated the train around the Christmas village, James was his biggest fan again. I'm still hearing the chant of "Papa, train" to this day. I know he misses them, he keeps saying "Papa, back - Gaga, back" because he wants to go back and see them. Any time we mention Uncle David, he says the thing David taught him to say: "Do-do-do-dooo, OW!" and he talks about his Hotwheels cars cos Uncle David played cars with him and crashed them so he makes crashing sounds. When we mention Uncle Tony he says "Toe, Toe - nano, nano!" cos he associates him with the piano and he gets so excited when I talk about Auntie Amber, he says "Amer, AMER!!" We've been trying to get James to say "Hi, my name is James" and he's doing pretty well at it, but if we ask him, "What's your name?" he says "Audoo" because he got used to us asking him what Uncle Tony and Auntie Tiffany's dog is named, and that's how he says Audrey. So we'll have to work on that one a bit, but it's super cute! When we talk about my parents' dog Eva, he says "no,no,no" and wags his finger cos that's what he would do when she'd bark at her. And he called her "Abby". I think it's great that he got to know my family so well. We chatted with my parents and David on the webcam last night and he really enjoyed it. So did I, but I miss them so much now!

Like usual, there wasn't enough time to see everybody as much as we'd have liked to. We didn't spend as much time with Annie, Chris and Roman as I would have liked to, and also didn't see Vicky as much as I'd hoped we could, but it was still great to see them and Annie gave me some good makeup advice. We also got to see my grandparents in Visalia for 2 days and did the road trip with Amber which was really fun, it reminded me of the good old days. My grandma gave James rides on her motorized scooter and he loved it! He also adored my Aunt Ginger's cat Smokey, whom he called "Moke". Tony and Tiffany visited the first day we were up there and my parents and David and the dog Eva went the second day, and my Uncle Bill came over too. So it was a real family event.

We had a day out at Disneyland early on in the trip, that morning James fell over into the coffee table at Tony and Tiffany's and sported a black eye for a few days. We went with Rebecca, Mike and Kate Harutunian and Tony and Tiffany. It was a great day! James loved the submarine ride with Finding Nemo, and It's A Small World as well as Sleeping Beauty's Castle. We also went on the Haunted Mansion ride with Nightmare Before Christmas decor and The Pirates of the Carribean. Mike and Ben took Kate and James to the Innoventions while Rebecca, Tiffany, Tony and I went on the Space Mountain ride. James' favourite thing by far was the Monorail, he kept pointing at it and saying "Mommo" and when we went on it we got to ride in the front of the train with the driver, it was so cool! During the whole trip when we would drive under a freeway overpass, he'd point up and say "mommo", I guess it looked like the Monorail to him!

A few days later, we went on the Amtrak to Oceanside to go to Legoland for a couple of days with Mike, Rebecca and Kate. We had a condo in a hotel right by Legoland that we all shared and it was so nice! We checked in and went to Legoland for a few hours, where Kate and James got obsessed with the duplo blocks in a play room and Kate kept saying "I make a tower!" The next day when we returned, it was quite rainy so we spent a lot of time in that room again. We were concerned that the kids wouldn't get to go on many of the rides as a lot of them had height restrictions, the minimum for some rides being 34" and James was only about 33", but we put a hat on him and he got to go on all of the 34" minimum rides we attempted. We bought lots of souvenirs but I was impressed by Ben's restraint. That evening we took the train to San Diego and stayed in a hotel there. The following day was spent looking around San Diego, mostly on the Naval Vessel the USS Midway. We had a late lunch and then got the train back to Burbank. We got in our car and drove to Simi Valley that night to stay with my parents and David. It was a great lead-up to Christmas, despite the fact that Mom, Dad and David were recovering from the flu. Tiffany had also gotten it, but we managed to stay illness-free until Visalia when the three of us got the sniffles. James also cut one of his canine teeth, so that could have accounted for his very runny nose.

We wrapped up the trip with visits to Andrea's house and then to see her parents, Lupe and Amador. It was great to see them, they were having a surprise birthday party for Andrea's brother Alex's girlfriend Danielle's birthday. The whole family was there, and James played with Andrea's 2 year old nephew Lucas and seemed to enjoy that. Another day, my cousin Ginette and her boyfriend Evan came over to my parents' house. It was great to see them, I hadn't seen Ginette in 5 years so it was wonderful to catch up, and my mom was glad to see her again too. We had dinner out with Tony, Tiffany, and Tiffany's parents Joyce and Bill. James was being very cute and calling Bill "Papa", a title he gives only to my dad, my grandpa and Santa Claus! I guess he just has that grandpa look!

Our 6th Wedding Anniversary, New Year's Eve, was spent at Mike and Rebecca's house in Santa Clarita playing Rock Band and watching them set off fireworks in their backyard. Amber came with us, too, and James stayed with Grandma and Grandpa, it was really fun!

Our last days were spent seeing Vicky, and shopping for the last minute essentials like an extra GIGANTIC suitcase for all of the toys James got. We had lunch with Tony before we headed for the airport, and got to LAX nice and early to check in so we could plead our case of how Expedia.co.uk had messed up our booking when we bought a seat for James as well, but they say we didn't (long story, let's just say that part of the trip wasn't so nice, and either was having our luggage not arrive in LA for 2 days after we did - but we survived!) and we managed to secure seats at the bulk head for extra space, James even scrunched up in one of those infant bassinets they clip into the wall in front of you and he slept for most of the flight back.

We got home safe and sound, to very cold temperatures (we had snow this morning that hasn't quite melted away) It's good to be home, but it was such a wonderful trip, I wish it could last. But all great things must come to an end.

Who Am I Now? Who Am I Now?

Vintage Dress
Originally uploaded by brapps

I can't remember when I got this vintage 1950's dress pattern ... A few years ago. I began cutting out fabric using the pattern probably 3 years ago, I figure, because not only was James not born yet, I wasn't pregnant either. The fabric is this stretchy cotton, white with bright pink, orange and yellow butterflies - not ideal for this dress (I'm making the version on the right) but some spare fabric I got for cheap years ago that will do well to "test" the pattern out and know what to do or not to do when using a more expensive or unique fabric. I think it's still going to be super cute, if I ever finish the damn thing.

Can I just talk a bit about motivation? Making time for things that matter to ME? What matters to me? I have to get more creative, I really do. I've sewn a few seams on the dress over the summer, proclaiming that I'll try to sew once James is in bed or when he's napping. That just isn't happening. I have to get it together and make it happen.

We're going to L.A. for Christmas and I intend to buy fabrics for making curtains and blinds in our new house. Don't even get me started on the new house!!! Anyway, I am hoping that 2009 is going to be a productive one, in lots of different ways! I'll finish the dress and make others, I'll get our house all sorted and decorated. It will be fabulous!

Me and my Big Boy

reading is fun
Originally uploaded by brapps

In my last post, I was really caught up in a different world than the one I live in now, mentally and physically. Things were truly challenging up until James was about 9 months old. All the puree prep for the weaning and debates about how long to breast feed. Not to mention the irratic sleep patterns and teething (an ongoing saga, but thankfully the sleep is in order - touch wood!) and then what to do about Maternity Leave!

I ended up staying on Maternity Leave until June and it was great. I've gone back to work at the weekends in a ticket office at a tube station that is just under an hour's journey from home, so much better than the commute would have been had I kept the same position I had before my maternity leave started. I've worked 2 days and am now mid-way though 3 weeks of Annual Leave. as of mid-July, I'm back at work every weekend until November, when I have a week of Annual Leave. But I am grateful that I'm able to take 3 weeks off over Christmas to go to California to see my family and friends there.

In March, we got a notice that the owners of the house we were renting were planning to sell it, so we could have first refusal. Having just moved in when James was only a few days old, we weren't too keen to move again, and were looking to do whatever we could to avoid moving. We didn't think we'd be buying a house until next year at the earliest, and weren't sure if we had enough of a deposit saved up to get a mortgage. We found out that we *just* did, and then when it came down to it, I couldn't imagine being happy to stay in the house we were renting for 5 years minimum. We had a look around and saw a house just one street over that has a fireplace and a 3 bedroom, bigger loft space and a bigger garden, and they were asking for £5000 less than the house we were in. So, we made an offer, and ended up with a compromise. When our Homebuyer's Survey was done, the surveyor valued the house at £7,500 less than our agreed price, so we were able to negotiate the price down to match the survey's valuation. By 30 May, we were moving in! So, Ben and I are homeowners now. With all of this housebuying stuff happening, I didn't worry so much about going back to work.

James is doing so well with his eating and learning to walk and talk. I started giving him expressed breast milk in bottles during the day from the time he was 10 months and just a breast feed before bed. When he turned 1, we switched him to cow's milk in a cup during the day and he was getting the breast feed before bed up until 2 nights ago. Now he gets a bottle of cow's milk. He seems to be taking it pretty well. It's weird to think that I'm done breast feeding him now. His meals are really easy, no more purees, he just eats what we eat.

Now we'll see what happens when he starts to walk! Any day now!

surrounded by toys

surrounded by toys
Originally uploaded by brapps

My son is so cute. He really is a joy to be around, and when he sleeps a long stretch, I miss him.

Tonight, he started crying a lot as I got him ready for bed. He did that last night as well. I think he's really windy. Maybe I shouldn't feed him any solids so close to bed time. It really stresses me out when he cries. He used to cry a lot more like this in the early days, it's funny how nearly five months on and it's so easy to forget.

I'm startled by how fast five months have passed. I feel sad. I feel like I might just be starting to get the hang of this parenting thing and I'm already having to face decisions about how long my maternity leave will last (until March or June?) and how in the world and where in the world am I going to go back to work??? I have to transfer to a station closer to where we live.

I suppose I still haven't accepted the passing of my old life. I guess I still think that when I go back to work, poof, the baby will disappear and I'll be living in my old flat again and be happy to make it home in time for the 5 o'clock footie on a Saturday evening. No. Sometimes I feel like I'm in exile here in the new house with the new challenge of always doing what's best for the baby. It can feel very scary and lonely.

Trip to L.A.

Dr Conkey's
Originally uploaded by brapps

Our trip to L.A. went really well, despite the myriad of family drama. I was feeling a bit resentful that all of it happened to coincide with our trip, then Ben reminded me that even if everything had been fine, some family drama was bound to ensue. That's true, so I felt better.

I made it to Dr Conkey's and had a hazelnut coffee! It wasn't quite the same as it was in the old days, but it was still really nice.

We did lots of shopping at Target whilst there, mainly for the baby clothes.

Part of the time we stayed with my brother, Tony and his wife, Tiffany at their new house in Burbank (boy, is it great!) and the other part with my parents. My parents' dog, Eva was really excited to see the baby, she was so cute with him. I wonder what it will be like when she sees him again next Christmas. I bet she's just going to go wild! My family was really excited to meet the baby for the first time, and he was so well-behaved.

I had a birthday while we were there, we went to a Dodger's baseball game, went to visit my grandparents (who were also excited to meet the baby) and rode on the Metrolink train between Burbank and Simi Valley quite a bit. We also met Annie's son, Roman, for the first time and went shopping with them, and caught up with Vicky, too! It was so nice to see them!

All in all, I'd say it was a great trip! Now if only the baby would start sleeping through the night again!

A Year Ago Today

121appsesatthehelm
Originally uploaded by brapps

It was on 22 September 2006, we were travelling back to London from our boating holiday on the Norfolk Broads with Mark and Sarah. We stopped at a Tesco in Watton, Norfolk and I took a pregnancy test in the loo there. Someone bought American style jelly doughnuts. I was in a daze because I didn't have to wait the 2 minutes, I could see the blue line was coming up BOLD for positive within seconds. That was the day that Jamesy's existence was confirmed.

DR CONKEY'S COFFEE

There's a shop in Simi Valley called Dr Conkey's, I used to get so many cups of coffee there when I worked next door at Tempo Music and Video. Tempo isn't there anymore, and I heard that Dr Conkey's changed ownership and took over the Tempo space next door. When I go back to Simi Valley, I'm going to stop at Dr Conkey's and hope that I can get a coffee...

...man, I could go for a hazelnut coffee right now!

PLEASE EXCUSE ME WHILE I SCREAM!

flattering faces
Originally uploaded by brapps

I'm going a bit stir crazy now. I'm still feeling sick. I'm tired, and I JUST NEED A BREAK!!!!

This is my family, and no, we're not inbred!

WILL LIFE EVER BE SANE AGAIN?

I'm ill again, and I haven't seen my friend Vickie and her son Morrie for a week now. They get back from their holiday in a week. I seem to get depressed whenever I don't see them for a while. I don't know what's going on with the illness. Maybe I get ill more when I feel down or maybe I feel more down when I'm ill. It's hard to say.

It makes me cry to think about the end of my pregnancy. I think moving to a new town right after having a baby was a good idea, because life wasn't going to be the same with a baby, so why get used to things at the old place with a baby to then move a few months later? But now I wonder if I've given myself a harder job to come to terms with the fact that the life I used to have is over. If I was still in the same place but with the new role as a mum, maybe I could accept it quicker. I feel like I'm walking around in someone else's house, in someone else's life. I wonder, who am I now? Being pregnant was like being me only better, cos I had this new potential, this new trick of hosting a baby. The anticipation of the birth of the baby was like being a kid waiting for Christmas all over again (I REALLY used to get excited), and I felt so special and so good about myself. Everyone seemed to treat me with kindness and adoration. That must be the one time in a woman's life when she can feel so magnificent. Now it's over. Even when I'm pregnant again, it won't be like it was - I have all of the responsibility to look after my firstborn and will have no time to "take care" of myself as I did when I was pregnant the first time. My God, other mothers warned me to enjoy it because there won't be another time like it. Now I see exactly what they were talking about. I wish I had a time machine and could live just one hour in my old life. I'd paint my nails or have a long soak in a hot tub and just BREATHE because I wouldn't have the weight of the world on my shoulders...

... and then when the hour was up, I'd come back to my new life and be so happy to see my baby boy smile at me. I'd miss him!

IF YOUR BABY'S GOING CRAZY

I had the flu last week, from Wednesday night. It was horrible. I realise that I am miserable when I'm ill in any scenario, but while having to look after an 11 week old baby on my own, I felt really stranded. It's times like that when I really miss my parents cos I know my mom would have helped me take care of the baby.

I was afraid I wouldn't be well enough to go to the 10th Sinister birthday picnic on Primrose Hill on Saturday, so I took it easy on Thursday and Friday. Luckily I was able to keep food down by Friday evening, so I was feeling much better for Saturday. What a beautiful day it was! So much fun!

Now it's Monday evening and I'm feeling very depressed. I think because I haven't seen my other friends with babies for 5 days now and I'm feeling very isolated. I dunno, maybe I'm just overly-emotional today. I really could just cry for no good reason. James is being an angel so far today, really smiley and cute and napping well. I went for a walk, went to the cafe and had peppermint tea and salad, came home and now I'll take the washing off the clothesline while James is still asleep in his pushchair. Fingers crossed he stays asleep long enough!

Ben will be off for 2 days starting tomorrow. I hope that we're able to get things done and spend time with each other. I have my postnatal class tomorrow and I'm taking James to the cranial osteopath on Wednesday. I think Ben might come along, we'll see!

GOING UNDERGROUND

I started working for the London Underground part-time. So far I'm really enjoying it!

I GOT CONFUSED, I KILLED A HORSE

I can't help the way I feel... and is it really so strange? Ahhh, I love The Smiths! I had such a good night last night, cleaning up in my room, putting away winter jumpers and getting out summer vests, AND watching a Smiths/Morrissey video hour before Big Brother came on. I liked singing along while I hung up clothes. i could remember doing a similar thing 15 years ago.

It has been a long time since I wrote. I hadn't realised it's been nearly 2 months. I worked a lot of overtime between this post and the last, preparing for this big trade show the company was going to over the end of May bank holiday weekend. I am really relieved it is over, that was really hellish to prepare for, but I did a good job project managing and am getting praise from my co-workers. However, during the month of May, I think I only went to the gym once. Bad Rachie.

This weekend, I'm going to Bornemouth for Bev's hen weekend. It should be a great time, lots of drinking!

In other news, I need to learn to be assertive and share power with everyone in my life. I am working on it. Seems like I can only take the totally passive role or the overpowering controlling role. No sir, I don't like it. Since being on new turf, I've tended more towards the passive and it is depressing.

My brother Tony and his wife Tiffany are coming to visit in about 6 weeks! I AM SO EXCITED!!! We will have so much fun! They have never been to London, I think it will rock their world!

Lunch is over!

TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE CLOTHING - AND PANCAKES!

I have been livng in London for a year now, as of yesterday. What do I think? I love London. I miss some things about L.A. Namely, tumble dryers in most dwellings, stores that stay open past 8pm, good mexican food, Jolly Ranchers, my family and friends, Disneyland, Santa Barbara, Shopping with Vicky. Not being alone. Things I love about London, Ben lives here, the buildings are pretty and full of history, I live near the Thames river, I don't have to drive and can travel for free due to Ben working for the Underground, I can drink a lot more alcohol than I used to, mmmm - Jaffa cakes, sausage & mash, full English Breakfast, lemonade & squash. I'm thirsty. Did you know I mostly drink tea now instead of coffee? Scary! I can actually get up in the morning and function without it. Never thought I'd see the day.

I've been very depressed lately. I've also been ill for almost a week and I haven't been to the gym in over a week. My job is also really crap. I need to find a new one. I started seeing a therapist last week. He seems like a good one. I'm hoping to work on my feelings of low self-esteem and dissatisfaction with everything. A shift in the way I interpret the things that happen in my life and an injection of motivation. I have gotten really lazy. I don't know how to properly make and maintain new friendships or even how to have a sense of style and self. It's all just too much. I'm not giving these things up without a fight, I need to regain these abilities or risk becoming old and lonely before my time.

I saw Interpol at the Brixton Academy last weekend with Clare and her friend Jackie. It was really great, they are fantastic live. And what a beautiful venue. I want to go out more, there is so much to do in London. If I wasn't feeling ill, I'd be going out right now instead of typing on a Saturday night!

IT'S STILL LIFE

Well, my inspiration to write about my long holiday weekend has melted away with another weekend gone. I can sum up the Easter weekend by saying that on Saturday, Ben and I went up to Swiss Cottage to Sally & Sarah's to watch the England footie match with them, Si & Bev, Erica and Tom. I can't remember if anyone else was there... I don't think so. It was a nice time, I drank too much wine, Sally & Sarah always have such nice things at their get-togethers. After that, we went home and had a takeaway curry from The Bombay Bicycle Club and it was really nice. I was chasing pigeons on the platform waiting for the tube, I think it was probably my most memorable time of the day. Sunday, we went to see the Boat Race between Cambridge and Oxford's rowing teams. Oxford won. We watched the race from Sarah's boyfriend Mark's parents' flat in the Putney Tower flats, which are really really nice and on the river. Then, we went home and had Easter eggs and watched telly. Monday... I don't even remember what we did!

This past weekend, Ben played footie in Regent's Park with Ken and some other guys. I went shopping for clothes to wear to the gym and some other stuff. Then I met up with them at a pub and we had some food and watched the Manchester City game, cos one of the guys was a fan. Ken, Ben and I had a drink called "Dr. Pepper" which was Amaretto, Coke and lager. It really did taste sort of like Dr. Pepper. Ben and I then went home to our disaster area of a flat and watched Dr. Who and Saturday Night Live. Sunday, Ben had to go back to work after his 2 week holiday. Earlier in the week he had shaved his beard just on his chin so that he had chops and a moustache, it was very silly. He shaved it all off on Friday. I didn't do a whole lot on Sunday, just the washing up, and some shopping on the Putney High Street. I messed around on the computer a bit. It was good.